Judge — March 18, 1922 — page 30: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

ARTHUR MURRAY INVENIS NEW EASY WAY TO LEARN TO DANCE fR Personal Teacher. You Can Learn at Home in Few Hours ables anyone to learn all steps at home in one evening, cost. No music or partner nee¢ even a child can earn quickly Learned to dance by mail. success is guaranteed. BE POPULAR! Your own few hours to be an accomp fident dancer. | Surprise by learning to dance all t York steps. To prove you ki : Write for your lesson today ARTHUR MURRAY, Studio 165, 290 B'way, N.Y. CLARK’ R. Clark’s 3rd Cruise, January 23, 1923 ROUND THE WORLD Superb SS “EMPRESS of FRANCE” 18481 Gross Tons, Specially Chartered 4 MONTHS CRUISE, $1000 and up Including Hotels, Fees, Drives, Guides, ete. agiark’s 19th Cruise, February 3 me MEDITERRANEAN Sumptuous $8 “EMPRESS of SCOTLAND" 25000 Gross Tons, Specially Chartered 65 DAYS CRUISE, $600 and up Guides, ete. Europe stop-o Europe and Passion Play Parties, $400 w Frank C. Clark, Times Building, New Yor NRO ac Price 20¢ per sore MAJOR MFG.CO. Rubber Cement | Newyork city a Why Don’t You Get Married? By Norris Hodgins HENEVER I meet a married friend I know that I am due to answer one question before I get away: that question will have to do with my marital intentions, if any. It may take different forms; it may be asked casually over a cigar, or in- tensely after morning prayers — but sooner or later during any reunion I must face the marriage question. Sometimes it is in connection with my thinning hair that the poser is pro- duced. “What ho! Getting bald, Cuticura Soap The Velvet Touch For the Skin Ferran eta er einiaen Base, BIG MONEY #2 <3 daily age fara Rtaics AMERISAN MONCERAM C8. “By the way, Professor, do you believe in that old theory that the soul transmigrates into the body of an animal?” eh!” they chuckle. “Why don’t you get married?” The connection between marriages and heads of hair is not at once ap- parent to me, so, while I am trying to | think up some better excuse for my celibate, if slightly bald, condition, I | attempt to be facetious and counter with a list of the other hair restorers I have tried without success—and am called an ass for my pains. Sometimes my bloated salary is the exciting cause of the discussion. “You could well afford to support a wife,” they argue. “Why don’t you get mar- ried?” Perhaps I am prejudiced, but I must say that this argument seems somehow to lack point. Granted that my stipend might be divided with another without my being forced into the breadline, why should I necessarily choose this par- particular method of squandering my store? By the same process of reason- ing it might be shown that I should support an elephant or a steam drill, for by dint of saving a bit here and there I dare say I could find feed for the beast and a donkey engine or so for the machine. Yet no one reproaches me for my failure to add these im- pediments to my menagerie. Thus I reason the matter out for my friends, but they are immune to logic. They observe me galloping about in an untrammelled condition and are filled with an unholy desire to see me hitched. So with one accord they harass me, if haply they may hound me to the altar through their importunities. Nor am I alone in my martyrdom. Our club is filled with bachelors who hug the common fireplace o’ nights when they might be supping with friends, and who mope about the halls on Christmas Day when they might be naming their favorite cut of the family turkey—but who dare not sally forth without having ready an answer for the eternal question. Well may they cower and take refuge within friendly walls if their excuse for their celibacy is a shaky one, for there will be some among their ex- aminers who will not accept it. If they succeed in establishing an alibi before the tribunal sct up by their newly-wed cousins they will fail to convince their elder sister; and if they successfully pull the wool over the eyes‘of the superannuated minister of the gospel who officiated at their chris- tening they will be shown up in their true light by their grandmother or by the village postmaster. There are too many on the trail of the average man to allow him to get away with any- thing, and when it comes to hounding men to matrimony all the world takes a hand. I do not know why this should be, but somehow there seems to be noth- ing more aggravating to the married man or to the unmarried woman than the sight of a blithe bachelor of thirty- five running about loose. His happi- ness is adjudged indecent, his freedom from worry is condemned as criminal, and his independence is considered an insult to the gentler sex. He is classed with the profiteers and the publicans, and friends and relatives vie with one another to make of him a proselyte, to the fetish of family life. With the bachelor of they are not so concerned. “Ah,” say they, “his time will come! Some day he will fall!’ And they rub their handsandsmirk. Andas forthe bachelor of forty they comfort themselves with the thought that soon he will be old and friendless, and they picture him crouching over a dying fire on a bleak December afternoon. A contempla- tion of this dismal picture always affords them great satisfaction. twenty-five comicbooks.com