Judge — March 4, 1922 — page 33: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE NURSERY-PARLOR MAID The new perambulator-carpet-sweeper not only saves time but money. By this combination you are able to dispense with an extra maid. A Disturbing Matter By Silas Spitzer I CAN never get used to the fact that Professor Grooper, who con- ducts the Grooper School for Weight Reduction, weighs three hundred and forty pounds. I worry about it while I am going through my exercises. The sight of him quaking about the gymnasium makes me vaguely un- happy. Can it be that his theories are a mistake? He says that before a man can win perfect health he must first confine him- self strictly to a diet of nuts, lettuce, carrots and gluten wafers. When I asked him whether he had ever tried the diet himself, he replied that for three years he lived in a Naturist colony in New Jersey and subsisted entirely upon berries, bark, and the tender shoots of young saplings. “Didn’t you ever long for a tender- loin steak smothered in onions,” I asked, gazing at his waterfall of chins. “Hunger is a delusion of the body,” he replied. “Once I learned to forget my body, I forgot my hunger.” “What a mental feat that must have been,” I ventured timidly, looking at his stomach, but his eye became so forbidding that I hurriedly began touching my ‘toes. Still, I cannot get away from the feeling that everything is not as it should be. Can it be that he has built up his tremendous reputation and a prosperous business entirely upon the He entered where John feared to tread, He used his fect but not his head__s insane delusion of a warped mind? These things worry me, and if it were not for the fact that worrying is said to be the most effective of all re- ducers, I would long ago have shaken from my feet the dust of Professor Grooper’s Institute of Weight Reduc- tion, never to return. Names By T. W. Jones F all the toys that bend the back Of that old peddler, Fame, The cheapest bauble in the pack Is an immortal name. One cost the Good Samaritan Two pennies at the inn; . And Charles the King, at last a man, A thought for Nelly Gwynne. King Alfred as a cook unbent; Duke Harold spake a joke; A sip of water Sidney spent And Raleigh spoiled a cloak. Step up: to think you must be flush To buy a name is wrong: Godiva bought one with a blush And Lovelace with a song. OBJECTION OVERRULED “Huh! Women in politics!” snorted the old-timer. “Makes me sore. I don’t believe in petticoat rule.” “Calm yourself. We don’t wear ’em any more,” replied the modern woman sweetly. He may have danced with grace and ease, ~ But plain Jorn Mouse got all “the cheese ! 29 The Musical vaudeville's great est hits all plas Conn instruments Billy Markwith and **Brown’ all use and endorse Conn Saxophones Easy to Play, for Pleasure and Profit F you are interested in music for the joy of playing, the Conn saxophone is the instrument for you. Its exclusive feat- ures make it so easy to master that you can learna tune in one hour; play all popu- lar music after brief, fascinating practice. Besides, saxophone soloists, trios, quartets, sextets, like those pictured above, are in great demand for all sorts of entertain- ments. You can make big money “on the side” or playing whole time, as you choose. Free Trial; Easy Payments, on any Conn instrument. Everything for the band and orchestra. All exclusive Conn features at no greater cost. Send coupon for details. {anole MARK REOISTeae a, 346 Conn Bldg. Elks New York Conn Co., 233-5-7 , Indiana 47th St. Free Books New Saxophone Book, tells how to use saxophones in trios, quartets, ete., and ex- plains superior features of nn. “Success in Music and How to Win it,” by John Philip usa, tells opportunities with all band and orches- tra instruments, Send coupon, checking book you desire free. IC.G Conn, Ltd., 346 Conn Bldg, Elkhart, Ind. Please send Saxophone Book (_) or Success Book, ( ), Jand details of free trial of any instrument. Name. Street or Rural Route Cit;