Judge — February 25, 1922 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

S TORT ES TO TELL JUDGE pays $10 weekly for the best story submitted for this page, and $5 for the second best. All others at regular rates. NOT SO IMPOSSIBLE HE head of one of the large Ameri- can railroad companies was making inquiries with regard to acquiring a small branch line which belonged to one old man. “Now, as to the state of your road,” he asked, “is it well and safely laid?” . replied the old man indig nantly, “ours is the safest line in the country. I may say we have been running for over twenty years, and have never had a collision.” “That’s good!” exclaimed the big man. “And what's more, sir,” went on the proprietor of the little line, “a col- lision would be impossible.” “How do you make that out?” queried the other in surprise. I know that the latest automatic devices are excellent, but ‘impossible’ is a big word,” “It is literally true with us,” was the proud rejoinder. “In what way?” “Well, sir, we have only one train.” BORROWED While a recently married traveling man was on the road his wife sent him a snapshot of herself holding her sister’s baby in her arms. He showed it to an old darkey porter he had known in the hotel for years, who was noted for his wide grin and his knack of acquiring good tips. The porter studied the picture carefully, and then asked: “Is dat yo’ baby?” When told it was his wife’s nephew, the old man replied: ‘Deed, yo’ is certainly choicey, but I hopes yo’ won't allus have to borrow ‘em!” First Prize A QUESTION OF SEX Two negro quartermaster pri- vates were standing on Trafalgar Square, a few weeks before the Armistice, as a battalion of Scotch Highlanders passed. They watched the column approach without a word of comment, so great was their amazement at a Scotch sol- dier’s uniform. After the bat- talion passed, one negro turned to the other and said: Nigger, what wuz dat?” dunno, lesting they wuz sojers.” “What gits me is dis, dey wan't men, ‘cause dey was wearin’ skirts, an’ dey ain't wimmen, ‘cause dey had whiskers.” The other negro's face bright- ened, then he said: “You is a po’ fool! ’Course dey wan't men, an’ dey wan't wimmen. Dey wuz one of dem Middlesex Regiments we done heard so much about.” Second Prize A WINNER A young but exceptionally brilliant professor in a Western college was dismissed from the faculty because of his inordinate betting. The president, interested in his career, secured him a position in an Eastern college. To the president there he wrote: “The young man has a promising future, and anything you can do to cure him of betting will be a benefit to society.” The professor went East, and was cordially received. Conversation had proceeded but a few moments when he said to the president, “I'll bet you seventy-five dollars you have a wart between your shoulder blades.” The president hesitated. “Young Original, unpublished humorous stories only are wanted. man,” he said, “I never bet; but just to teach you a lesson I will take you up.” He thereupon proved to the young man’s satisfaction that he was in error, and the professor paid the seventy-five. The president wrote West relating the incident, concluding—*I hope that I have cured him.” The other wrote back: “I fear the case is hopeless. The very day he left here he bet me one hundred dol- lars that he could make you take off your shirt.” LACONIC There is a certain physician reputed to be the best of his kind in New York, who is known also for his terse manner. A woman, apparently as trite as himself, came to see him in regard to an infected hand. She answered his questions almost in monosyllables, scarcely flinched at his treatment, and left as quietly as she came. She obeyed instructions explicitly, ap- peared promptly for each treatment, put forth her hand and uttered no comments. Finally the hand was healed, and she was told it would not be necessary for her to come again, She merely asked laconically: “How much do I owe you?” “Not a cent,” replied the doctor. “Only sensible woman I ever saw!” And walked abruptly away. »