Judge, 1922-01-28 · page 10 of 36
Judge — January 28, 1922 — page 10: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
# Analysis of "Told at the Nineteenth Hole" This page presents three humorous anecdotes told at a golf club's nineteenth hole (the bar), plus a golf instruction tip. **"Old Buck's Cow"**: A rural trader deceives a city visitor by claiming the cow *ought* to give fifteen quarts daily—a verbal trick since the cow never actually produced that amount even for Buck himself. **"The Comeback"**: An evangelist boasts of cleaning sin from Conesville and challenges nearby Oakland to match this. An old sinner replies dryly that the devil will return, mocking the evangelist's naive moral certainty. **"Not So Crazy"**: A hospital inspector tests an inmate's sanity by asking the hospital's name. The patient sarcastically corrects him: he's actually in "the bolt department of the nut factory"—the lunatic asylum itself. **"An Elastic Suggestion"**: A Black porter hints his employer should give him old shoes; when asked his size, he claims he can stretch to wear multiple sizes, playing along with whatever is offered. These stories satirize rural cunning, religious hypocrisy, institutional absurdity, and economic desperation.
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Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
TOLD AT THE NINETEENTH HOLE OLD BUCK’S COW or BUCK was known to his neigh- bors as a shrewd trader. He had a cow that seemed a desirable animal, and he went over her manifestly good points with one of “them city fellers” who had taken the Green place for the summer and wanted a fine milker. “How much milk will she give by the day?” asked the more or less hyp- notized amateur. “Waal,” said old Buck, speaking guardedly, “she'd oughter give fifteen quarts—as she is now.” This seemed satisfactory, and the buyer drove her home. After a fort- night he returned, with blood in his eye. “I thought you said that cow would give fifteen quarts a day,” he began. “Three or four are all I can get out of her.” “Waal,” replied old Buck, with un- Drawn by Rene CLarKe. ruffled calm, “I said she'd oughter give fifteen, and that’s a fact. But, con- sarn her, she never did while I had her.” THE COMEBACK Conesville, a sinful little southern Iowa town, had just been “cleaned up” by an evangelist. Made reckless by success, the evangelist next proceeded to tackle the nearby hamlet of Oak- land. But here he caught a tartar. The Oaklandites absolutely refused to warm to pleadings. In desperation he launched a blow at their civic pride. “Shame on you old sinners,” he cried, “to let your sister village get ahead of you! Why, we've gotten the devil driven clean out of Conesville!” There was a momentary silence. Then an old sinner on the front seat drawled out as he stroked his beard: “Don't worry, he'll be back.” HAG NOT SO CRAZY Several patients having escaped from the psychopathic division of a state institution, an inspector was called to investigate the locks on the windows. Thinking that he would test the sanity of one of the inmates who was walking along the corridor, the inspector asked: “By the way, what is the name of this hospital?” “Hospital!” sarcastically remarked the patient. “You've got the wrong num- ber, stranger. You are now in the bolt department of the nut factory.” AN ELASTIC SUGGESTION Jim, the negro porter, hinted broadly to his employer that any old shoes he had would be acceptable. “What size do you wear, Jim?” “Well, suh, I buys sixes and sixes- and-a-halfs, but I can wear sevens and eights.” rs Dae MPM JIM BARNES’ LIST OF TEN COMMON FAULTS OF GOLFERS No. 3.—Lack of balance at the top of the swing, with the weight badly distributed.