Judge — January 14, 1922 — page 21: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

om STORIES TO TELL JUDGE pays $10 weekly for the best story submitted for this page, and $5 for the second best. All others at regular rates. THE ’POSSUM HUNTERS Two negroes, Salvation Jones and King Agrippa Johnston, living near the Dismal Swamp, went ‘possum hunt- ing one dark night. A warm trail was struck, and the dogs soon “treed.” Sal- vation, being the better climber, volun- teered to go up and shake down the ‘possum, whereupon King Agrippa made ready to catch it in the guano sack they took along for that pur- pose. Instead of an opossum, the dogs had treed a wildcat. As Salvation made his way to the topmost branches, the animal retreated still further out on one of the overhanging limbs, and emitted an angry snarl. “Huh? How’s dat!” exclaimed Sal- vation. “Never heerd no ’possum talk lak dat befo’!” “Go on, Salvation. Yo’ ain’t heern nothin’ but de dogs. Shake him loose! Ise waitin’,” urged King Agrippa. Climbing a little further out, Salva- tion gave the limb a mighty shake and dislodged the wildcat. Suddenly a chorus of yells, howls, screeches and cuss words broke loose from below. % “Hey, dar, King Agrippa!” anxiously called down Salvation. “Yo’ want me faw ter come down an’ help yo’ hol’ him?” “Naw, suh,” yelled King Agrippa. “Ah wants yo’ tuh come down an’ help me faw ter tu’n him aloose!” COWS ARE LIKE THAT Two Swede farmers were in trouble over a cow. The animal, which be- longed to Lars, had strayed into Ole’s barnyard one fine day. Ole held her for damages, which Lars refused to pay. At the end of a week the matter was taken before the local justice of the peace. Lars’ lawyer, in attempting to prove that Ole had no right to dam- - ages, did not mince matters. “Ole,” he thundered, “how about the milk from that cow while she was in your possession? Who got it, Ole? Milk is worth money. Come, now, didn’t you milk her?” “Ya,” said Ole unhesitatingly. “Didn’t you milk her all the time?” Ole stared unblinkingly at the sheep-bound volume in the lawyer’s hand. Then the look of bewilderment left his face. “Naw,” he said earnestly, “Ay milk her only twice a day.” First Prize A BACKWARD BOSS Lincoln Jones had long been janitor and porter for a department store. But now he had decided to make a change and was “breaking in” Tom Jefferson, with whom he had served in France, as his suc- cessor. “You-all is ketchin’ on fast,” said Jones to Jefferson. “De wuck won’t botha’ me much, Mistah Jones,” Jefferson replied. “But, man, Ise a startin’ right in on sich low wages. How long are it gwine take me to knock down de pay youse a pullin’? How often do de boss raise a hard wuckin’ man?” “Dat’s jes’ de point, Tom. It ain’t de wuck. It depends on how often you-all tells him you needs mo’ money. Youse got to intro- duce de questionare on him. He ain’t no volunteer, he ain’t. Dat boy haf to be drafted!” Second Prize IDENTITY An eminent judge traveling in a first- class car was annoyed by a stranger who entered and lighted a strong cigar. The judge remonstrated. The stranger ignored him, whereupon the judge took out his card and handed it to the fellow. The stranger put the card in his pocket, blew a puff in the great man’s face, and went on smoking. When the train stopped, the raging judge rose as the stranger slipped out of the coach and vanished. “Follow that man!” roared the judge to a porter. “Get his name and ad- dress. Quick!” In a minute or so the porter returned, rather scared. “I shouldn’t go any farther with the case if I were you, sir,” he said. “Do you know who the gentleman is?” And the porter handed the judge his own card. CURIOSITY SATISFIED In a country club a semi-circle of men, mostly lawyers, sat by an open fire, while outside the wind and sleet were almost unbearable. A doctor came in, having been visiting his patients, 19 Original, unpublished humorous stories only are desired. and was numb with cold. He threw off his coat and tried to get near the fire, but no one moved to give him a seat, and he was compelled to remain outside of the semi-circle. One of the members seated turned to the doctor and said, “Doctor, we have just been discussing foreign parts. You have traveled a great deal, haven't you?” The doctor replied, “Yes; almost everywhere.” One of the lawyers facetiously asked the doctor: “Have you ever been in hades, doctor?” “T have,” the doctor replied. “How did you find conditions there?” the lawyer asked. “Just about the same as here—all the lawyers near the fire.” POOR GEORGE A gambler named George used to visit a Chinaman’s place and smoke opium almost daily. One day he rushed in and said ex- citedly, “Hip, loan me $10. Thanks, Pll come in with it to-morrow noon, if I’m alive!” And out he went with the money. About three o’clock the next after- noon a friend of the gambler dropped in on the Chinaman and said: “Hip, where is George to-day?” The confiding Celestial wiped his eyes with the corner of his blouse and re- plied: “George, him dead.” PASSING IT ALONG Pat Rooney had just opened a new home brew foundry, and as it was a rainy day there were quite a number of Pat’s friends in the place seeking shelter from the storm. An Englishman was standing at the bar with a worried look on his face, which an Irishman named Mike noticed. Mike asked him what the trouble was. “This beer is awful,” said the Eng- lishman, “but I wouldn’t dare let it stand for fear Pat would be insulted.” “You're right,” said Mike, sympa- thetically, “but I have a scheme. That fellow next to you has a raincoat on. Pour it into his pocket.” “But,” said the Englishman, “he is liable to catch me in the act.” “Not a chance in the world,” said Mike, with a chuckle. “I just poured mine into your pocket.” comicbooks.com