Judge — June 4, 1921 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

SLOB ee STUFF Mr. Swatt Sapp; An Intimate Portrait By Joseru A. Cuxsixcuast Casually Mlustrated b R. SWATT SAPP, idol of base-ball followers, as a clouter of éclat, is Very solid. Broad of back and full of freckles; denoting honesty, he has all the grace and per- sonal charm of a Blimp. Only more so. Consider Swatt as a type of hero, not an individual. Con- crete example as it were. Although left- handed he is normal in all other specifica- tions, except at election when he votes the Socialist’s Ticket. Some would rather be right than Harding, but the Superb Slugger would prefer being wrong and for Debs. IN ANY PRECINCT. Other than his ability to slap the Horse- hide Sphere hither and yon, few baseball fans and frail fannettes know the human side of the Famous Swatt. Very few care. His human qualities could only be prop- erly appreciated by Darwin Hidden beneath the svelte bulk of avoirdupois and muscle there is a heart as big and sensitive as a turnip. Eat more turnips. His blasé air muffing flies to the out- field at critical stages of the pas- time is only equaled by clever wild throwing to the pl Ap- pearances are ofttimes deceiving, for despite his clammy crimson neck Swatt is a person of refinement and of esthetic tastes. NO KIDDIN'! Certain persons never recognize the Demon Demolisher of Fences away from the ball yard and out of spangles. Pur- posely. In the world of finance he is a welcome figure in any Bucket Shop. Busi- ness is combined with Charity. The business of exchanging U. S. Ducats for Wild Cat oil certificates is really charity in that it aids Pin Wheel Promoters Pay Ali- mony. At social functions Swatt never fails to attract attention when surrounded by a full-dress suit made especially for him the Aw by Sears, Roebuck & Co. The make-up is distinctive for certain little individual touches such as a velvet collar and a belt in the back. He is at heart a patrician and fond of music, art, literature and the latest divorce scandal. ASK ANYBODY. Each Spring the Brilliant Bludgeon Buster retires from the National Gamble. The annual Swan Song is postponed when a new contract contains more percentage for the income-tax gorillas. Hard to leave the old homestead and the mortgage. After a tedious afternoon baiting umpires, in sulting cash customers and what not, the baseball works, Swatt loves nothing better than to mingle among nature down on the farm. This is of course impossible while traveling with the team, but off duty he always wears his overalls for sentimental reasons. Likewise economical. Even on tour Sapp keeps in close touch with crop conditions. When asked as to the possible effect of tariff revision upon agriculture he replied in stantly: “VLE say so!” Mr. Sapp is a connoisseur of plug tobacco and a thorough student of con temporary drama. An exponent of ac tion, and the physical in humor, Ben Tur pin is his favorite delineator of home life. A dilettante of things theatrical, he finds Shakespeare dull. Some bird slipped him a couple of slows for “ Macbeth,” but he failed to grasp what it was all about. It was the conclusion of the Subtle Swatt that C. Chaplin would have created more laughs in the principal réle. PLUS SOME PIE. Art is long and Sapp is long on art. He never misses an issue of the Police Gazette in the corner Barber Shop. Familiar with l the creations of popular illustrators he speaks with knowledge and assurance of such classics as Mutt and Jeff, by Fisher, Bringing Up Father, by McManus, Sid Smith’s Gumps, When a Feller Needs a Friend, by Clare Briggs, and others. Few there are who can copy the work of these masters as well as Swatt. He never took a lesson in his life. It's A GIFT. Members of the American Legion have at times commented upon the sterling patriotism of the Demon Walloper. Some of the comment has been favorable. Yes and No. There are two sides to every question any place but in the home. While cligible to be joined by the U. S. Army, Swatt declined to be adopted and at great personal sacrifice entered a ship yard as a rich riveter. For valor and courage in winning games in the Shipworkers League he was awarded the Double Croix de Junk with a saffron ribbon. While he modestly declines to verify the report, both his friends insist he bought a Thrift Stamp. Sapp is one violet that shrinks from Pub- licity. LIKE A CIRCUS, Success has not changed the simple democratic tastes of Mr. Swatt. He would considet the evening incomplete without an carful of Jazz from the Chatter machine and he plays the gay and festive Zither sweetly with cither hand. As a nostril tenor his voice is quaintly tonsorial and his performance on the mechanical piano has the beauty of execution and quiet dignity of a boathouse. His selections are care- fully rendered and rendered is just. the proper word. The Soulful Sapp is really old-fashioned with it all, wears embroidered suspenders, and shaves his neck with a straight razor. SWEET KISSES! Worth Trying By Wa. S. Apwis PATCH of rye, * A patch of mint: Let Burbank try To take the hint. When mint by rye Discreetly grows In regions dry, Who knows, Who knows? From Bad to Worse She—How dare you kiss He—I'm—I'm sorry. She—Sir! — eI i ]