Judge, 1920-12-18 · page 11 of 32
Judge — December 18, 1920 — page 11: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
# Judge Magazine Page Analysis This is a humor column compiling short, absurdist news items from various newspapers. The recurring joke structure involves lengthy newspaper quotations that build mundane expectations, then deliver punchlines through comedic juxtaposition or exaggeration. Examples include: a man described as extraordinarily tiny (six feet three inches, weighing over 20 pounds—an impossible contradiction) delivering mail; a reverend with implausibly long tenure (225 years); a banker trapped in his own safe; and a 75-year-old widow taking a 12,000-mile car trip. The bottom image appears to show a figure in elaborate historical dress, captioned as depicting "still familiar figures in politics, literature, art and the stage." The satire mocks both the absurdities newspapers actually published and the pretentious language in which editors reported trivial social events—capturing the surrealism of early 20th-century American journalism.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
The Original Skinnay Malink— “He told the magistrate he pretended to have a letter to deliver to the actress, but when the door opened a MAN about SIX FRET THREE INCHES TALL and WEIGHING MORE THAN 20 POUNDS yanked him int the room.” —Vew Haven (Conn.) Evening Register. (Rosabelle Welles.) to Heaven—* Rev. S. R. Hawkins, state secretary of the Christian church, and an evangelist of 225 YEARS’ experience, has been engaged Earns a Ticket by the First Christian Church of this city to hold a protracted meeting here, be ginning the second Sunday in Novem- Kingsport (Tenn.) Times. (C. 1 et.) ber.” Har Suspected Cannibals —* Officials of the National City Bank of Ottawa .. . worked feverishly last night and until early this morning to open the bank's safe, believing that Francis J. Carey, a teller in the bank, had been locked in side the bank ropsers.”— Montreal (Canada) Herald, (R. R. Macdonald.) On Moving Da “They are said to have broken several STREET CAR WINDOWS IN a nearby Hose.” —Vew Kensington (Pa.) Dispatch. (Cecil D. Johnston.) Hark, Hear the Joy Bills Ring! “The Nevada man asked to the honest maid, and PEALING $1009 off the roll handed it to her with a word of thanks. Now Nellie’s going back home to the folks. ew York News. (Henry Fisher.) see Something of a Shell Game—“Star shells, real shells, trench mortars, flares tanks. charging ranks of pousrBoys and hovering airplanes with flashing signals all the marks 1 battle were there.” —New York ning Globe. (Henry Fisher.) Home Brew and the High Brow— “ John Dewey’s Reconstruction in Philos: ophy (Holt) is a bold challenge to many long established theories of philosophical knowledge. From Plato to Hegel DRINKERS have generally invoked some transcendental authority for their sys- tems of belie! ew York Tribune. (George C. Schoonhoven.) Fetching, This Function! —‘‘Mu- s games and dancing furnished the DECORATIONS and a midnight supper was served on a pretty table, with a witch for a centerpicce and novelty favors for the guests.”—Hudson Despatch. (Helen V. Flemming.) Preserved for the Doctor!—* Miss Emma Harris, a young manicurist, accepted as escort from a dance early to- day a young man who an hour or two later fractured her yas, blacked both her eyes and fled with jewelry and cash ggregating SS8oo."—New York ning World. (Mrs. Gertrude Moore.) Sick-ology—"‘One cannot be healed of any disease until one’s mind is Not { of it tutional Living Maga- heal si (Penfield Morgan.) Sport for Nymphs and Naiads— “Day after day they cut their way through the forests, CLIMBING — the WATERFALLS and precipitous mountain- sides.” —Wide World Magazine Mark Meade.) An Isosceles Triangle—" F. 1. Dono- hue, 32 Ward Street. and Miss Heirs Garvey of 31 Freeland Street axp Miss Axxa P. O'Connor of 34 Parry Avenue were married yesterday morning at 9 o'clock in the Church of the Sacred Heart Worcester (Mass.) Tel (R. Stanley Woodward.) gram Generous Glergyman!—" Miss Min nie Lehnmiller and Mr. Edward Gordon was INVITED in marriage by the Rev. Mr Eden on Wednesday, October 27.’ Pueblo (Colo.) Star-Journal. (Mrs. Clyde Hogg.) “When I first put this uniform on or camouflaging the author of Patience.” “Sin W.S. Girsert—tne Excusn Eicuties —Guieses or Stitt Fasruiar Ficures iv Pourtics, Literature, Art ann THe Srac New York Times Book Man o° War Outclassed for Speed— “Mrs. Lucretia L. Blankenburg, widow of a former mayor of Philadelphia, celebrated her seventy-fifth BirtHDAY by taking a 12,000-mile automobile trip a the continent and back.” Scranton (Pa.) Times. (Hannah Gold- ross man.) Page Corporal Yorke!—“By the time I had crossed the street I saw a bright light turning. discovere | that the planer was on fire. I ran for a DISTINGUISHER, but before L could get it the blaze had spread so rapidly that the whole place was on fire.”—Tuacoma (Wash.) Tribune. (Clark Squire.) A Femine Pugilist—* That his wirt was an active one was demonstrated by the fact that one of his arms had been fractured and the arm failed to knit smoothly.”"—Fame and Fortune Weekly (Miss F, Rue Smith.) The Living Dead—“ John Hutchin son, one of the few men STILL LIVING who witnessed the assassination of President Lincoln at Booth’s Theatre in Washing- ton, prep on Tuesday night at his home in Hempstead.” —Flushing (N. ¥.) Di Times. (G1. B. Burnett.) A Problem in Math.—* Mr, Bennett, who is the father of 13 children, was rushed to Memphis and St. Joseph’s Hospital by oxe 34 his of sons.”” Memphis (Tenn.) Commercial Appeal. (Mrs. C. G. Caldwell.) Authorities in a Tight Place— Three bars were sawed from the alley window, furnishing a hole large enough for the AUTHORITIES to wriggle through to freedom.” — Daily Texarkana (Tex.) Tex arkanian. (Harry Mathews.) Canadian Styles Outclass Amer- icant—" The bride’s Gown for her wed- ding trip was an AMETHYST PENDANT sct in platinum.” —Sherbrooke — (Quebec) Daily Record, (M.H. Brithart.) Sex in Australi: “Miss Lily Beau repaire, champion LADY RIVER of Aus tralia, and Keith Kirkland gave splendid exhibition of fancy diving.”— Sherbrooke (Quebec) Daily Record. (M.H. Brilhart.) Einstein—“Ob- movement from Attention of Dr. serve that the same 4.88 to 4.84 in the quotation for London for drafts on New York represents an ADVANCE in the rate.” —Foreign Exchange her.) (A.W. Henn.)