Judge — October 9, 1920 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

U “Tey BROUGHT To ME ALL KINDS OF DRUGS IN BOTTLES, Stuart Hau TUBES AND CASKET The Doctors By War Mason Illustration by HAD a fierce attack of gout that kept me roundly yelling; and doctors cantered in and out of my ancestral dwelling. They brought to me all kinds of drugs in bottles, tubes and caskets; they brought me dope in kegs and jugs, and poultices in baskets. They put some plasters on my chest, quite happy to unload them, and then they paused to take a rest and count up what I owed them. And bitterness was in my soul, for I had greatly; and L turned loose this rigmarole, in language stern and stately: This gout disease has punished men since men were first invented; when Adam chased his old gray hen, it made him discontented. And Noah had it in the Ark, and Daniel in the cages where lions fierce were wont to bark and vent their useless rages. The royal Pharaohs used to shout for some all-healing tonic, when they were tangled up with gout, which threatened. to be chroni “And there were doctors then, my friends, when pain was such a hoodoo; and they pursued their useless ends and doped and purged as you do. The doctors then looked passing just like the modern wizards, as they prescribed to patient guy a broth of lizard’s gizzards. Old Calen and his bughouse crew fed rubbish to the ailing, just as the modern doctors do, and widows raising their wailing. “Three thousand years this craft of yours has tinkered with suffered Stuart Hay diseases, and hasn't found a cure thar cures — are scientists all cheeses? “Three thousand years you've sneuped around with pills and dopes and plasters, and not a remedy you've found for any ill, my masters. Three thousand years we've buinved the bumps, we patienis, at your mercy; and you can’t cure a case of mumps, or itch, or button farcy.” Then Dr. Jinks arose and said, “He’s getting worse, dod rot him; his sufferings affect his head—delirium has got him. We'll have to change the treatment now, or we are sure to lose him; we'll put a poultice on his brow, another on his bosom.” 1 Dr. Jones: “He is insane! I never heard such ravings; I think it would relieve his pain to stuff him full of shavings. Oh, shavings are the sick man’s friend, I’ve tried them on ham actors; the shavings cure I will defend against all cheap de- tractors. Had you docs taken my advice when first we came to treat him! But no, you froze him first with ice, then built a fire to heat him.” “You talk too much,” said Dr. Blink, “and that’s just what's the matter; we'll surely heal this ailing gink if you will can your chatter. His ravings show he’s lost his mind, he’s lost it for a sea- son; we'll fill him tull of bacon rind, which will restore his reason.” And soon the docs began to fight and imed each others’ hinges, and slugged each other, left and right, with jugs and tin syringes. comicbooks.com