Judge, 1920-08-28 · page 30 of 36
Judge — August 28, 1920 — page 30: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
The page contains two unrelated pieces of satirical writing: **"How Spinsters Are Made"** is a cynical, ten-part commentary on why women remain unmarried. It satirizes both female pickiness and male cowardice—women reject men for various reasons (demanding perfection, emotional unavailability, chasing idealized romance), while men fail to commit out of pride, fear, or indecision. The satire suggests both sexes sabotage their own marriage prospects through unrealistic expectations and emotional timidity. **"The Clown at Heaven's Gate"** is sentimental verse about a circus performer gaining heavenly admission through his life's work bringing joy (laughing away "a billion tears"). It contrasts sharply with the cynicism above, suggesting humble goodness matters more than worldly achievement. **"Cured Her"** is a brief joke about a wife who stopped opening her husband's mail after receiving a live horned toad—implying unexpected, unpleasant surprises discourage unwanted behavior. The top illustration depicts the Pilgrims landing at Plymouth Rock, apparently being satirized as a chaotic, undisciplined rabble rather than noble colonists.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Drawn by Anruce Lewis Wuat Reatty Harrexeo to me Pitcrias Waex Trey Laxoeo at PrysoutTn Rock How Spinsters Are Made By Lawrence Vaue HE torch of her nose, which never held powder, made him suspect her stock- ings were blue. I Three times, as he was about to pro- pose, she showed she did not believe in the infallibility of man. She had a way of kissing babies which the cowards—reflect. I\ He believed in heredity. One day she forgot to keep her mother locked up in her closet with the other skeletons. \ At twenty she wanted Prince Charm- ing, but men were such brutes. At thirty she wanted a master, but all men were slaves. At forty she wanted aman. But then she was old. made men VI She told him too often that he was the only man for her. He believed her, he trusted her, he knew she would wait. And she did wait, till an hour in middle age when death overtook her. VIL She was eager for the unknown, the man round the corner. And so she ran on, seeking, pursuing, her eyes always ahead of her. Men, lazy, slow - footed creatures, could not keep up with her. VII She seemed unaware of the deeper undercurrent of his words, the torture of his timid, ailing spirit, all the suppressed sense and stuff that made him different from other men. Only the man, a tired pathetic human figure, she loved and understood. Alas! What could he do? Too proud to flaunt his soul upon his sleeve, he could not bear that she should love through life the fellow that he was, ignoring for his time on earth the hero thathe wasn’t. Hetook norisks. He ran. IX She was so soulful that there were mo- ments when he doubted she had a body. He decided to take no chances. X She was in earnest. She wished to be sure that she loved him sincerely, com- pletely, that she would love him forever. She wished to be sure that he loved her sincerely, completely, that he would love her forever. She would wait five years, ten years if necessary. And she is wait- ing still. >» The Clown at Heaven’s Gate By Sreuta V. Keturrsas E knocked, tho’ fear enthralled his heart, At Heaven's mystic gate; And trembled, while ke waited there— Uncertain of his fate. + He was no Hero who had won To fame or rare renown; What should he say, what could he say When he was but a clown? Could Heaven be for common clowns? Was he not over-bold, To knock, and hope to enter in— And walk the streets of gold? He was about to tum away— When wide the portal flew And in his funny, clownish way, He smiled as best he knew! The Angel said: What have you done With all your precious years? The Clown replied: I laughed away About a billion tears! The Argel took him by the hand And led him to the Throne; He smiled, and turned some Summersaults— And Heaven was his own! Cured Her “Then your wife doesn’t open your mail any more? “Not since a Texas friend sent me that horned toad by parcel post.”