Judge — August 23, 1919 — page 15: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A Metropolitan Moonshiner By Avwent Aveve ROM the start I was opposed to prohibition. F Personally I had always believed in alcoholic moderation, limiting my drinking to one quart of bourbon daily. It is a different matter with men who abuse their thirst. For some time I had suffered from fatty de ation of the will. So you will understand my neglecting to stock my ark with bottled goods until it was too late. I read much in the papers about making one’s own liquor. Friends discussed it mysteriously. [ heard it on street cars. All pronounced it a success. I got the feve’ nere st | bought a barrel of raisins. I had heard they are necessary. — Just how a raisin can contain concen- trated kick I was unable to figure. | ate a quart and felt no effects. Latterly it has become my conviction that the raisin idea originated with the man who carries a buckeye for rheumatism. I bought copper coils, a bottling machine, the whole works. Finally everything was ready. I invited my friend Joggins to help me in the first sampling. To make it seem like old times, I insisted that he go down the alley and enter by the side door. “With all your faults,” he enthused in anticipation, “T love your still.” “Try this!” said I importantly, handing him a foaming glass. He drank eagerly. “Great idea!” He shuddered. “You think so?” My voice pleased. “Positively! > one ever enough to market soapsuds ready-lathered ing out palms rubbing a cake of soap.” trembled. 1 was before was original Saves wear- Drwen ly JW. Wooo mm denn, January th, 1845 Wuat Tuey Laucuep at Tw Prominent Candidate (to stenographer) letter of acceptance. Are you ready?“ Gentler Stenographer (interrupting) —Isn’t that w Prominent Candidate (hastily) —You're right, Sad right. Make it “€ J take down my en of the Democratic” Drown by C.F. Perens “What I'm loo! ing for is a good plain cook.” Then fear, Madam, that any further conference wor Id be super- wus. [specialize in the culinary preparation of fancy dishes only.” “Sir!” I indignated, “that is beer.” He smiled cunningly and felt gingerly of his stomach | must explain here that 1 am not methodical. My house looks like a rummage sale. I grasped the bottle. “My error,” | apologized lamely. “I got the wrong bottle. You drank liquid soap.” ‘This time I got the right bottle. listened expectantly. There is nothing absent in the taste,” I suggested timidly “No.” he agreed. “It includes all tastes I cver experienced, scrambled together.” “Of course,” I defended, “the time yet for a kick to accumulat “Don’t let that bother you,” he assured. “If you attempt to serve another, I will furnish plenty of kick.” Put on my guard, | brought out my attempt at whiskey. Drinking, he fell writhing to the floor I rushed for a doctor. He said it was too late. “Fetch an undertaker. I hurried forth. “You see,” [explained to the frock-coated m. who was playing solitaire on a cooling board, “1 make beers and 4 “T, too, make biers.” He spoke proudly. It was weeks before | made the great discovery A bottle of my metropolitan moonshine tipped Instantly the varnish vanished Immediately I began From then on, We drank. I e hasn't been over on the table. I had missed my calling. manufacturing varnish remover. my fortune was assured. Now, whenever J want a drink, | put my finger in an electric light socket and swallow an overcoat button. Almost at once I feel too full for words Questions What’s become of all the second licutenants? How high will prices go before they recede? Who was it that called it the human race? How do people manage to live Why do some women wear clothes? comicbooks.com