Judge, 1919-05-10 · page 14 of 32
Judge — May 10, 1919 — page 14: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This 1913 *Judge* editorial satirizes the contemporary reform movement by proposing "abolish hair" as the next social cause. The piece mocks activists—particularly those behind Prohibition (the "Anti-Saloon League") and Bolshevism—by sarcastically suggesting that long hair, not alcohol or radicalism, is society's real evil. The satire conflates hair with degeneracy and rebellion: long-haired individuals are portrayed as terrorists, anarchists, and troublemakers ("red flag of terrorism," "sneaking intriguer"). Bald men, conversely, are depicted as prosperous, peaceful, and morally superior. The article suggests that mandatory hair-cutting would solve social ills—an absurdist position meant to ridicule reformers' certainty that eliminating one vice will perfect society. The "Pessimist's Calendar" (inset) humorously depicts unlucky Friday the 13ths, adding to the satirical tone. The cartoon at top appears to be unrelated domestic humor.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Mat Judge 3ARBERING >. Sreicuer, S Jo AL Wat A PLEA FOR OW is the time to be an abolitionist. The Anti-Saloon League and the Bullsheviciou having set the fashion, we can each have our own litle pet “bolishment. Irvin S Cobb is out gunning for pants. But he ed the one real issue of the times. He should have said “Abolish hair!” Since the day of Samson hair has been an abomina- tion of man. It has been the one inconsistent fact in a masculinity otherwise free from petty cares of self. Its comings in and its fallings out have made man old before his time. But once let him be entirely free from this plague with his dome glistening like a nicely polished ostrich egg—and his nature blos- soms anew. Prove it among your acquaintances. Where there is one with not a single fuzzy growth to mar the grandeur of his cranial modeling, there you will find a prosperous man, radiating good nature, at peace with the world. He has become freed of the white man’s burden Ha on man’s head pells economic waste. As an institution it supports a vast class of non-producers, iving leech-like, ever seek- ing to devise new singeings, ashings, dyeings, to in- s revenue—con- something; I diforialy Grast BE. Haitro te Dir Lawrox Macwant, Managin Where there is mischief brewing there also is an abundance of hair. It is a matter of common accept- ance that the long-haired ones are those who incite the untutored mind under the red flag of terrorism. They are the ones who are busy everywhere upsetting stan ards, defying conventions, keeping the world in a turmoil And half the evil machinations of the world are hid- den beneath a bushy curtain of facial hair. Picture in your mind a low, sneaking, intriguer, working evil, hatching dastardly plots. Do you see before you a jolly, rotund, baldpat Not. Your fundamental instincts repel the though There are those among us who have tasted of the better life—who have been glorified by a head shaved or cropped in the good old army way. Let them now hide their diminished heads in shame as they feel the coy tendrils of their locks curling about the collar’s edge—a tribute to a degen- erate civilization. Or, if a spark of man- hood yet lives, let them rise boldly for their freedom. Let them form the vanguard of the mighty movement to abolish hair. Let them emu- late the chaste billiard-ball, accept it as their standard of the New Order of Things. Like wildfire the — slogan Off With the Hair” will sweep the continent. Let them symbolize the clean freshness of a new living by ever with levying a greater tax man-with- cerned greater and a on misguided Drawn by Rucnano A. CLanke Tue Pessimist’s CALENDAR a head which, each day, is clipped to the quick and scrubbed from collar button to collar button.