Judge — March 29, 1919 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Her Specialty By Tom P. Morcan HE most detrimental woman in the com- munity where she lives is Almira, the wife of my nephew, Merton Slump,” said old Timrod Tarpy. “She has blighted more hopes, nipped in the bud more fond dreams, injured more reputations, and hurt the feelings of more inno- cent people, than any other person in town. And yet, she never says a harmful thing of any one. She simply sits and sighs. “Tf an approaching marriage is mentioned in her presence she sighs sadly and hopes it will turn out all “Yes, my dear husband allows me to have anything Twant.” “Well, mine doesn’t, but I take it anyway. Blue Monday Epigrams By Benyasun De Casseres ATTLE-CRY of the Wets: “Don’t give up the nip!” Will the Peace Conference hit the German nail on its brass head or smash its own bloodless fingers? A club is a place where men meet to exchange the same ideas. Prohibition? Bah! It’s all moonshine! Epitaph for John Barleycorn: “Hic! Jazz it!” Whatever is perfect is in a museum. Forcing the Issue Visitor—What is this row between your Chief of Police and the Chamber of Comm Native—Well, there’s been bad blood between them for some time, and last week the Chief appoints a traffic cop and now people feel it’s up to the C. of C. to dig up some traffic for right, but— When the minister’s dainty wife is spoken of Almira sighs as if there was a great deal that she might say if she were not too saintly to tell it. Ata funeral she secks a prominent place and exhales_a long, linger- ing sigh, as dismal as the sough of the wind through the Cedars of Lebanon, until the impression gets about that the late lamented wallowed in some horrid secret iniquity which renders it v-e-r-y doubt- ful if the rest of us good folks will ever see him again. “She sits by the bedside of the sick and hopes they will speedily recover, and then sighs as deeply as if she has private information that there is, alas, no hope. When an acquaintance starts on a jour- ney or a relative undertakes a business enterprise, a fond mother parades her first baby, or a girl shows off her new gown, Almira sighs, and they all grow apprehensive or de- spondent, or hopeless or disap- pointed, and I am not sur- prised myself that Mert., her husband, tjpples on the sly every time he can get hold of anything to make him forget.” In Opera By H.S. Hasxrxs ‘THE heroine upon the stage, She slowly dies by inches, But just to show how weak she is, From high C never flinches, And even in the final throes Gets first down in the clinches. Paradox “A penny for your thoughts.” “T was just thinking how incon- gruous it will be to celebrate Inde- pendence Day three days after July 1.” him to watch. Drawn by Rar Roux Ske (after quarrel) —Here is your ring, take it! and please return the lock of hair I gave you Clerk (absently)—I don’t know that I haveit. But I can send you something just as gc Not Probable “Well,—shucks!—" ejaculated Mrs. Johnson, looking up from her reading. “It says yur that the nights in the Arctic region are six months long.” “Aw, I don’t believe it!” re- turned Gap Johnson, of Rumpus Ridge, Ark. “No sort of a baby could yell for six months steady, no matter how willing he was.” Propinquity By Freverick Moxon HE stood by her, She stood by him, His arm was long, Her waist was slim; You guess, of course, What happened then? (Girls will be girls, Men will be men.) Since love is sweet, And life is young, What wonder they Together clung. (And yet we hate The tale to mar,— T ° g Inacramjamcear!) comicbooks.com