Judge — November 23, 1918 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Help Wanted: 4y Walt Mason “Uncle” Walt’s Exclusive Weekly Message to Judge HERE no man to fix my car, when it begins to rattle; mechanics all have jour- neyed far, to give the kaiser battle. Till Ger- man henchmen cease to hench our loads we must be bearing, and so I take a monkey wrench and do my own repairing. I struggle underneath my boar, to fix the shaft that screeches, and spoil a twenty dollar coat, and hfteen dollar breeches. 1 hit the hammer with my thumb, and_ then, my spirit broken, I cuss all cars to Kingdom Come, and backward to Hoboken. I get my whiskers full of grease, and say, in language formal, “I'd give a million bones for peace, and business sane and hormal. Some dark blue words I used to spill about the punk mechanic, who fixed my car and sprung a bill that put me in a panic. But, oh, I'd like to see him now, once more ha like to face him! I'd hang some laurels on his brow and coddle and embrace him!" There is no man to shine the stove and set it in the kitchen; in times of peace there was a drove, for such employment itchin’, And I could sit in pomp Drawn by E. Fionn state, and do no labors killing; so long as Empty Flattery “Tl have to close your theater because we can’t have crowds.” “I thank you for the compliment,” said the author of the play which wasn’t drawing very. well any Spotting Them Boss’s Wife—1 hope you answer people properly on the phone? You When a per calls up and Mister Jones there?” 1 say “Yes, sir”; ind when a person s up and says Charlie in?” “Yes, m’am.’ cal “Is Isay “Lo! And Behold! Notwithstanding the high cost of li Drown by Bawxsorue Roosms ; "Mrs. Gayty—Tom, do you know that ing, evening gowns he certainly looks familiar, Let me have not gone up. — paras« my mother-in-law’s hat. Sure! “Mecuanics Att Have Jourxeven Far, to Give tie Katser Barrie.” It 1 would pay the freight, the handy men_ were willing. But now I have to hump myself, and shine the stove, beshrew it; no brand of plunder, scads or pelf will hire a man to do it. I break my back and spoil my bones and dislocate my liver, and fill the air with throbbing groans that make the welkin quiver. In times of peace 1 used to say, “These chaps who work for wages demand entirely too much pay, and so my spirit rages. Six bits for putting up a stove! I view such charges hould overtake the cove who holds coldly; the law me up so boldly But now I sigh for Jim McGee, who used to do my choring; he’s gone across the raging sea, to where the guns are roaring. Oh, Jim McGee, come back again, across the wild wet water, and potter round the barn and pen, as once you used to potter! Oh, come again and paint the pump, and clean the window sashes, and haul the rubbish to the dump, and bear away the ashes! I have to do my work myself, the whole day long, beshrew it; no brand of rhino, dust or pelf will hire a man to do it. A Helpful Hint “What kind of an idy,” asked Gap Johnson, of Rumpus Ridge, Ark., of the wife of his bosom, ‘would it be to sorter paint and then varnish the children’s faces, hands and so forth? "Pears like it would save a heap of washing and cussing.” Embarrassment of Riches po, I married.” Never mind Some day some girl will come along whom you can really love.” “That isn’t the trouble. I know four or five now.” never Loyalty “You advertise this substance a surpassing butte “Well, sir?” “I'd rather have butter if it’s all the same to you.” n there on the beach It’s my wife's new dress, my daughter's s our cook. comicbooks.com