Judge — July 27, 1918 — page 31: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

IGE Za Sec'y press ) both ishers Mex: ge; to July 27, 1918 Have You Got One in Your Home? By Hasitos Creator As A Lixk Between a SAusaGe AND A Carrer Sweerer NCE upon a time profanity, among O misguided individuals of the male species, had reached alarming pro- rtions, and the reason was not far to I seek. | According to a well-known law desig- nated as the Perversity of Inanimate Objects, all and sundry of the male citizens of the world who wore collars had been seized with a cacoethes of cussing, which threatened to disrupt the social fabric—rulers tottered on their thrones, millionaires had a list to port, divines departed from their perfect equa- nimity—only troopers, continued in the even tenor of their way, first, because it was second nature for them to swear; and, second, because they wore flannel shirts. Know, then, that the cause of all this moral disintegration—this outburst of rofane cacophony was nothing more an—a collar-button! These had been n existence ever since Achilles invented the mangle and started the first Greek steam-laundry at Troy. Ordinarily mild-mannered men awoke of a peaceful Summer morning, filled with the milk of human kindness, and before breakfast had turned suddenly to raging monsters—murdered their wives and children out of hand, and gone to their doom with a hymn of hate upon their lips. And all because of the pesti- ferous, perversely inanimate, wretched Collar-Button! Aman might rise, blithely insouciant, whistling cheerily as he encased himself n his shirt, but in a moment, even as he lipped, or attempted to slip that elusive of bone, brass, copper, celluloid, r, or gold into the buttonhole of hirt—zip! —§ Away it would spin trily, bound, jiggle, and roll under the darkest, dustiest farthest corner of the bureau. Red of face, perspiring audibly, would the luckless wight gi iolent chase, and finally, with great good fortune, at long last, perhaps retrieve the offend- ing article, lying perdu, co hidden under the bureau—only to lose it again! Imagine, if you can, the result! At this stage, however, an all-wise sont 8 OBEBi98 1 “a Her One When you see or feel a corn remember this: Millions of people have found a simple, easy way to completely end this trouble. It is the Blue-jay plaster. When a corn appears, they apply a Blue-jay, and do it in a jiffy. Then they forget it, for the corn never pains again. In 48 hours they remove the Blue-jay, and the corn is gone. Only a rare corn needs a second application. Deformity An Unnecessary Corn There is no muss, no bother, no repeated applications. There is no after-soreness. There are none of the faults of the old time methods, harsh and inefficient. It doesn’t take one-tenth the time it takes to pare acorn. And paring cannot end it. For your own sake, make a test of Blue- jay. See what it does with one corn. It is doing just that with millions of corns, in a gentle, scientific way. Please find out—and now—what folly it is to have corns. Blue-jay For Corns Stops Pain Instantly—Ends Corns Completely Large Package 25c at Druggists—Small Package Discontinued BAUER & BLACK, Makers of Surgical D: ressings, etc., ago, New York, Toronto (6: 20) Providence provided a cure in the per- son, if I may say it, of the greatest single boon which has been granted the Human Race since the discovery of noiseless soup, to wit, the Collar-Button Hound. This animal, produced by the thousands by an intensive process of delicatessen diet and the application of Burbank’s Law, solved the problem—saved the world from chaos—introduced a new era of peace and good-will. ‘Trained from infancy as a retriever of collar-buttons, this faithful beast, built as a cross or a link between a sausage and a carpet-sweeper, at a word of com- mand from his master, would insinuate his india-rubber torso under the bureau, and in less time than it takes to tell, emerge triumphant with the offending | article grasped firmly in his mouth, re- storing it to its proper owner with due | ceremonial of tail-wagging, causing smiles instead of imprecations, and contentment where before only heated anger had reigned. These intelligent creatures became de rigueur in the very best society—contests were held to determine the champion col- lar-button hound of a given locality, and the collar-button makers began to be threatened with bankrupt because there was no demand for their wares. Thus, nowadays, a collar-button hound is worth much fine gold—everybody has one that wears a collar, and the evangel- ists have gone out of business since swearing, with the exception of tax exemp- tion has become a lost art. comicbooks.com