Judge, 1918-07-13 · page 9 of 36
Judge — July 13, 1918 — page 9: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This humorous piece by Franklyn Everett Fitch catalogs the narrator's serial romantic failures: each girl he loved had some fatal flaw. The joke is that *every* type of woman—thin, fat, tall, short, religious, bohemian, teetotaling, drinking, athletic, modest—proves incompatible with him. The punchline reveals the deeper satire: the "perfect" woman he finally imagines exists "only in my imagination"—she's a fantasy compromise that balances every contradictory expectation men place on women. The accompanying illustration shows soldiers discussing a rope called "Soldier Boy," likely an in-joke about wartime materiel or military slang. Below, "Trivialities" offers cosmic perspective: an Aeon (geological age) finds humans amusing for repeatedly loving each other despite knowing it's futile—suggesting romantic disappointment is eternal and universal, reduced to trivial repetition across millennia. A "war" eventually interrupts even cosmic boredom. The satire targets both male romantic unrealism and the impossible standards imposed on women.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
was too thin. I loved a fat girl, but she was awfully fat. I loved a tall girl, but she was a baby giraffe. I loved a short girl, but I could only see the top of her hat. I loved a religious girl, but she was always at a meeting. I loved a free-thinker, but she insisted on living in Green- wich Village. [ loved a teetotaler, but she was an admirer of William Jennings Bryan. I loved a good fellow, but she was, well, just a little free in her cups. I loved an outdoor girl, but she always wore a middy blouse. I loved a cabaret queen, but she painted her cheeks red. I loved a girl with a brain, but she looked like Banquo’s ghost. I loved a simple lass, but she stuttered. I loved a chorus girl, but she ate onions. I loved a movie star, but she took her morning walks in a Rolls-Royce. I LOVED a thin girl, but she I loved an athletic girl, but she had a disagreeable habit of slapping me on the back. I loved a pretty little thing, but her chest was caved in. Loved a Lassie By Fraxktyn Everett Fitcu by Russert Westover is ‘Soldier Bo: ed it belonged © name o} mm, [ not I loved a girl with a neat ankle, but her father was a plumber. [loved a girl with beautiful eyes, but she kalsomined her nose. I loved a Red Cross nurse, but she went away I loved a minis- ter’s daughter, but she was too gay for me. I loved a débu- tante, butshecouldn’t get up an appetite for breakfast without three cocktails. And then, all of a sudden, just like » pardner, what kind of a triv ‘one of the ranks.” wasn’t too thin nor too fat, neither too tall nor too short, not unduly sanctimonious and yet who had decent scruples, taking her glass of port, but no more, dancing as well as she played tennis, serious at times and not addicted to foolish re- marks, pretty of course with eyes, hair, nose, lips, shoulders and all that sort of thing merciful heavens, how I loved her But she existed only in my imagination. Trivialities By Tou L. Masson GEOLOGICAL Period was musing in space. An Acon came along. “You appear restless,” said the Acon, “or is it only amuse- ment?” “T am amused,” said the Geological Period, “at the per- sistence of certain persistent things.” “As for example?” said the Acon. “At the way human beings continue to love one another,” replied the Geological Period. “They never get tired of doing the same thing over and over. And I was told y grandparents tha lities were common.” “How odd!” said the Acon. “Tt only goes to show,” said the Geological Period, in their time, the same *“that those affairs which seem impor- tant are really not so at all.” With that he twitched. “Excuse me,” said the Aeon politely, “there is something on you. There! I have it off. You were restless after all. What was it? said the Geologics Period. “Only a war,’ said the Acon. on the Job that— con by J. R. Suaver I loved a girl who Find the little girl whose brother has recently been awarded the medal for bravery. the eternal comicbooks.com : { 5