Judge — June 15, 1918 — page 9: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

st ry Deeson by Ossox Lown, No Doust You’ve Expertencep It YOursELF Bearing in mind firmly. that Jvoce is a clean, family paper (going each week into hundreds of thousands of American homes) we will quite ignore his profanity and simply record that the gentleman from Mt. Vernon, being recognized by the chair, wishes to move that henceforth all ramps, runways and board-walks be constructed without cracks. Is the motion seconded? By all means let this matter be attended to. If the statistics are true that there has been a great falling off in church attendance, it may be because our minis- Variegated Heavens By Extts O. Jones of there being one large more or less barn-like Dat was at great pains to inform us that, instead hell, there were really a number of different hells each appropriately fitted up to suit the predilections and proclivities of a particular class or classes of sinners. But nobody has ever in- timated that there was more than one kind of heaven. We trust this is merely an oversight, that if the truth were known heaven is spe- cialized to even a greater de- gree than the nether regions. Or, if it hasn’t been done, already, plans should be laid for its early accomplish- ment. This is an age of specialization. If a man is going to struggle and deny himself coveted pleasures on this earth in order to get to heaven, he is entitled to find the kind of heaven he wants. Manifestly a shoemaker is not going to be happy in a stock broker’s heaven, what would be ineffable delight to a plumber might be a deuced bore to a prominent clubman, while it is obvi- ous that what would be su- preme contentment to a na- tive of NewYork City would get so frightfully on the nerves of a denizen of Chi- cago or Canyon City that he would want to go out and shoot up the place twenty- four hours after his arrival. -——— Draven by Noraax Axtuoxy “Fritz! Quick! Der Hetmit Put On!” ters have not been offering us heavens that appeal to our highly evolved and critical requirements. Why We Should Be Lenient With Policemen By Kexxetu L. Roperts HE policeman is a nor- mal-sized man with large feet and anextra-large nerve. With no weapons save an ab- breviated club and an high- explosive vocabulary, he is expected to control crowds of infuriated citizens, chase murderers into dark alleys and bring them out in recog- nizable form, or capture gangs of desperate yeggmen without losing his hat or tear- ing his uniform. His duties require him either to walk thirty or forty miles a day, or to stand on one spot for hours at a time; so his feet havea better excuse for being large than have most feet. Policemen are always ready to help children remember where they live, assist ladies to cross the road, punch male flirts on the nose and accept the position of lead- ing man in any riot, no mat- ter how large or boisterous. Consequently they should not be criticized too severely when they sneak into a con- venient garage for a nap and a cigar.