Judge, 1918-06-08 · page 29 of 36
Judge — June 8, 1918 — page 29: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This is a humorous dialect piece by Jay Thomas featuring "Gus," an immigrant character (likely Swedish or German, based on phonetic spelling) dispensing cynical advice about American politics to his friend Lars, a candidate for sheriff. The satire targets core failures of early 20th-century democracy: voters blindly following established party lines; politicians prioritizing noise and charisma over substance; the disconnect between public rhetoric and actual competence; and casual corruption (fallers "holding down fat yob for gover'ment"). The heavy accent humor—typical of period Judge magazine—makes the critique palatable by distancing it through an "outsider" perspective. Gus essentially argues that successful politicians succeed not through honest conviction but through reading crowds, maintaining silence on actual issues, and projecting confident visibility. The advice is genuinely cynical: forget principles, forget remembering details, just blow your whistle loudly enough.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
ON goes oducing Harris ron be ty and doings June 8, 1918 ‘*Polly Ticks”’ By Jay Tuostas US PETERSON ha bane great fal- G ler for polly ticks and avery elect- ing time dis har Gus vent tu pole and vote yust sum so many time ha could. Karl Schaefer, the Yerman baker, ha call Gus a “vart healer,” but Gus say dis bane gude yoke on Karl, because ha ain’t no nothing about varts. Gus ha don’t vant to be candy date for offis hemself, but ha lak tu picking the fallers vot vent on the balot. Yust befour electing last fall the chair- man of the county committee cum to sea Gus and tal hem the committee vant the Sveedish vote and they lak tu hav Gus picking a candy date for sheriffs. So Gus ha crank up his lemonzene and yitney out to sea his friend Lars Hanson and ha tal Lars ha should be elect sheriffs. Dis Lars ha vas tickle all over and ha giggle yust lak saxteen year school girl. “Vot aver yu say skal vent vith me, Gus,” Lars say, “but Ay don’t no annie ting about polly ticks. Yu vill hav tu tal me vot to du “Listen, Lars,” Gus tal hem, “it bane easy tu electing yu now, because ve got lines up vith the committee, but yu vant tu learn a few ting so ven yu start yu can keep right on venting. Yust pay atten- shun tu vot Ay say and Ay skal give yu a few simple rule tu follow. “Polly ticks, Lars, is a game of give and tak, but most avery vone Ay no ain't. care much about giving. They yust lak tu tak all the time. “Ay bane vatch the vay the big guns play dis game and Ay find out the ting tu du is sea vitch vay the vinds blow and then grab the breeze befour the other faller. The vise guy don’t try to mak sentiments for the public. Ha yust noses ‘round and find out vot the peepuls bane tinking about and then ha becum the originator of that view. “Tf yu vait to sea vitch vay the crowd is venting yu'll only be vone of the crowd. “Sum fallers mak the miss steak of figering it out the peepuls vas tinking vone vay ven they bane tinking yust opposite. Ve hav sum great example of this on lecture platsform, but yu ain’t SEX OLOGY by William H. Walling, A. M., M.D. imparts ina clear wholesome eae vohamwe’s Kaowledge « Young Man Should Ha Keowledee a Yours Hesband d Soald Hare Kaew! ther Should impart to Hi Sea Medical Keowledge » Hosband Should Hat Koowledge a Young Womae Should Have Keowledge a ared Wile Shoold Have ledge ther Should Ha find many of these fallers holding down fat yob for gover’ment. “Most fallers who vant polly tickle offis cling tu the mottoe ‘if at first yu ain’t suck seeds yust keep on sucking.’ “The only vay sum voter can tal a balot from laundry slip is ven they sea the name of sum faller vot bane candy date avery electing time. “Most business man, Lars, hav much tu du vith polly ticks, but all gude pollytickans mak a business out of cam pains. In business yu vant a gude remembering, but in polly ticks yu should hav a better forget. “The man who vins the offis is the vone vot keep up planty of steam and blows his vistle loud and offen. The nois may yar on the ear of a few, but ut vill be mussick tu the multitude. “Lars, if yu vant tu suck seeds in polly ticks yu must talk lak a entertainment vithout saying annie ting. The faller who tals all ha nose don’t no vary much. “The man that becums a stewdent on public qvestion, maks his head up and stick tu it may be right, but ha don’t git elect vary offen and ha violate the most sacred pressident of moderns polly ticks. “Yu don’t need mussle strength or physic bravery tu run for offis and vin, but yu must hav acrobat brain able tu turn mental summer salts so fast that the average mind vill becum confuse vatch- ing the operashun. And Lars, yu must also hav planty of nerve. The timid man never gits annie ting. The best ha can du is cast his own vote and tak a chance on it being counted by the elecshun boarders. “Tt’s the man vot gits in the lemon light and keeps their who picks the yuicy plum. “Sum peepul say polly ticks is ‘a con- fidence game,’ but the most confidential candy dates offen fall short ven the vote is counted. “Remember, Lars, vone vote in the balots box is vorth a score of supports who fail tu go tu the pole on electing day. “Over in Europe they have badge tu pin on breast of soldier vot du the fighting. Ven yu run for offis du the same ting. The badge most used in polly ticks is shape lak 2 crosses, but you must never giv them out until after cam pain is over. “In polly ticks in this day and ages they ain’t no such ting as a martar and annie vone who pose in that roal is the faller who guessed wrong and is ashame tu admit it. “There is vone ting, Lars, yu ain’t vant tu aver forgit. Don’t svell up so the home folks vill notice it. Remember, it tak yust so many hand shake tu keep in offis as it du tu git their in first place. “Victory is sveet, but an overdose vill sum times sour the disposishun. “Yust vone ting more, Lars. There's don’t GREAT BEAR SPRING WATER “Its Purity Has Made It Famous" ease, efficiency and long life. The high grade pebbing vee : firm, re: men’s wear shops from coast to coast. 25¢ 35¢ S0c Gronce Frost co, MARERS, BOSTON room at the tops of the ladder for a push- ing faller. Sum vone is always falling off and yu can shove the vones who don’t drop of their own accords.” All the time Gus bane talk Lars ha set vith mouths open, drenking in every vord. “Vell,” ha say, ven Gus finish, “Ay change my minds. Ay ain’t vant annie ting tu du vith polly ticks after all. “Ay tank Ay rather git a gun and a and be a regular honest highvay- Saved Anyway “How does the daylight saving plan work in your house?” “Oh, it wouldn’t have made any difference anyway. 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