Judge — April 27, 1918 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Drawn by E. Frourr colossal bore. He permeates all mundane things, this most annoying of all kings. I’m up against him every day; I find him alway the way. I trace back every woe and ill to that disgusting Kaiser Bill. I always hated rakes and hoes, and other garden tools like those. I hated sowing silly seeds, I hated grubbing foolish weeds. For years I’ve raised no garden sass, but ran the premises to grass. But now my wife rears up and cries, “The slacker all good men despise; war gardens now are all the rage, and you must rise, in your old age, and lay your novels on the shelf, and go out doors and hump yourself. Go forth,” says Jane, “go forth eftsoons, and plant about a ton of prunes, and show what you’re existing for—and prunes and greens will win the war.” . And so the trusty spade I wield, and wish the kaiser might be peeled. I ply the dull and rusty hoe, and cuss the kaiser to and fro. I plant of spuds and beans a few; I'd like to plant the kaiser, too. His tinhorn kultur, fake and snare, has pried me from my easy chair and made me toil around the yard, a weary and perspiring ard. I HATE the kaiser more and more; he is the most The Notion Counter HERE are two kinds of people who are decidedly mistaken: The man who thinks that the house couldn’t get along without him, and the house that thinks if a man should quit he would starve. Don’t worry about the man who persistently refuses to join something to which he ought to belong. He wouldn’t contribute anything to its fellowship if he did. Let us hope that there will be no such thing as eternal rest for the man who talks above a whisper in a sleeping car after 10 p. m. A skeptic is a man who refuses to believe anything, and a pessimist a man who refuses to believe anything but the worst. We are having a good many arguments at our office about the draft; somebody persists in leaving the door open. Daughter says she can teach me to play the Hawaiian guitar. But why teach a man bad habits? The traveling salesman knows a lot of hotels that thought about food economy long before Hoover did. One of the men was called on the carpet the other day and told to beat it. A cattleman in the Pullman told me that he had a trainload of cattle frozen stiff last winter, and when I said “Poor things!”’ it seemed a.new idea to him. tote “Anp So tHe Trusty Spave I Wietp, ano Wish THE Kaiser Micut se Peete” Another Hymn of Hate: 4y Walt Mason Uncle Walt’s Exclusive Weekly Message to Judge if Sn SALES: Posy 724 The women folk have jumped the coop; there’s no one here to cook my soup, or broil a steak or make a pie, and I’m so tired I'd like to die. My spinster sister and my niece, my wife and aunt, in times of peace, looked after me with jealous care, and shielded me from bleak despair. They doped me for rheumatic aches, they saw that I had pies and cakes, they brought me milk and other suds, and sewed the buttons on my duds. I was the most important guy, methinks, in their collective eye. But now there are no girls at hand; they’re knitting things, to beat the band. They’re holding meetings every hour, to break the brutal Prussian power. ‘They skip at dawn and stay till eve; what wonder if I moan and grieve? I search the cupboard for some bread and call down on the kaiser’s head a lot of curses, blue in tint; they’re not the kind that Judge would print. I open up a can of beans, and cuss the kaiser’s submarines, his whiskers and his shaving cups, his Hindenburgs and dachshund pups. I drink stale water from a tap and hope we'll rearrange the map so there will be no place on earth where Kaiser Bill may find a berth. 4y Douglas Malloch A Chicago doctor was arrested for speeding to a patient. It doesn’t seem possible. To be a self-made man is commendable, unless you made yourself for yourself. I always smoke domestic cigars. Domesticity is such an unusual trait nowadays that I like to en- courage it. I observe that when sheep are in a blizzard they get together. The below zero record, however, is still held by the Kaiser’s popularity. A man pointed a gun at me the other day, but luckily it was loaded. People who are always wanting to make a hit sel- dom make a sacrifice. We don’t seem to have learned any particular les- son from Valley Forge. The man whose life is an open book is generally poor reading. You don’t need to tell the girls anything about the widow’s might. At a banquet table the other night, a preacher asked me what was in the punch that made it taste so good. I told him when ignorance is bliss ’tis folly to be wise, comichooks a4