Judge — April 20, 1918 — page 34: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

i | ! } NO OVERNMENT: SOLID, SUBSTANTIAL AND SATISFYING iL IN MANY WAYS U, pis oae Grosers Drugeists and Dealers HM. EVANS A SONS — Established 1786 ASoft Drink with Something to it LICENSE REQUIRED HUDSON, WN. Y. CORNET GIVEN We teach you to play by mail and Filsive you a Beautitut Cornet. iy jemson. + atlati le testimonials omer. tl NEW HOTEL BINGHAM, Pia the center of everything. Lange, well lighted and comfort Hot and cold running water in every room. direct Subway connection wi and ferries. Roof garden. Club breakfast. Special luncheons. Rooms without bath, $1.50; with bath, $2.00 per day and up. FRANK KIMBLE, Manager frail ratiroad stations A Grand Old Alibi By Roy K. Movttox ARK ANTONY was in a tight M place when his wife asked him why he had stayed in Egypt so long. There wasn’t any war on at the time. “ He didn’t have the grand old alibi, which the humblest citizen of the world may now employ on all occasions and without a blush. Every untoward event that has taken place in the past three years has been traceable to the war. When Mr. Erasmus J. Coldheel creeps into the house at 2 a. m. in his stocking feet and his wife says: “For the land sakes, what makes you so late?” he mut- ters with some dignity: ‘“Shorry, m’- dearsh, but ish on account zhe warsh. Warsh-ell.””| And he gets away with it. When Mr. Leonidas W. Purdy finds Itching; The Remedy Your Hair Cuticura Alldrugwists; Soap 2S, Ointment & 9. Talcam 25. Sample cach tree of ston fault with his wife’s cooking and says: “Them fried pertatoes ain "tas snappy as you used to make ’em, Luella,” his wife says: “It’s on account of the war, Leonidas. What do you expect in war- times? What? You make me ill.” When you go into the department store to buy a baby-jumper and Mr.” Percy Pennyroyal shows you one for $9.89 which had formerly been $2.76, you put up a large yelp like a coyote caught in a steel trap but he murmurs sweetly: “Sorry, sir, but itis on account of the war. There is a great demand for baby- jumpers in Europe just nov You don’t have the nerve to dispute him. Then you go and buy a nickel’s worth of thumb-tacks for 18. cents and ask no questions You don’t even express any surprise when they charge you ninety cents for a ten-cent picture frame. You know why. You know it is on account of the war. When the stage coach from Peavy Junction over to Hokumville is an hour and a half late and you protest to the driver, he says: “Well, we be a mite late today but old Frank and Lucy can’t git over the ground like they used to. It’s all on account of the war. Seems like they lost all their pep. It’s a pow’ful bad war.” According to the Hoppertocon Harpoon, Abijah Binks, proprietor of the Hotel Hoppertown, has been intending to have the leak in the roof patched up, for three years back, but on account of the war, he has let it go. Constibule Ezra Hand was calculatin’ some on gettin’ a new uniform some time ago but has abandoned the idea on account of the war. He has made him a new star out of an oyster can. In the effete metropolis, you hasten into the shoe shining parlor to get a polish and you are informed that the price of polishing shoes has risen to fifteen cents, “on account of the war.” People are not acquiring as much polish as they should. But, every cloud has a silver lining. The sun breaks through once in awhile. On Pennsylvania avenue, in Washington, there is a sign in front of a barber shop which says: “Clean Towel for Every Customer, in Spite of the War.” Think of it: “In Spite of the War.” In the police court, Mrs. Michael O'Toole is arraigned for smiting her hus- band suddenly on the bean with a rolling pin and knocking him out and she is re- leased on her plea that it was ‘‘on account of the war.” Butin this case it is not the | war in Europe, but the war eternal. The grand old alibi knows no latitude nor longitude. In a certain Michigan town bottled spring water has gone up “on account of the war” and the folks swallow it. They are nothing if not patriotic. The boiler in Sikes & Co.’s slab mill down in Alabama blew up and after Sikes & Co. had been collected and reas- sembled for the inquest, the coroner's “The Curse of Drink"’ This picture proved one of Judge's most fal subjects and has been reprint in full soles, mounted on a vy 1x 14, ready for the frame. ‘Tt will be mailed post free for twenty-five cents, stamps, Judge Art Print De ent 225 Fifth Avenue, New York City jury decided that the boiler blew up “on account of the war.” i Take it home and try it on your wife. It’s the grand old alibi. It makes good}, even when nobody believes it. Violets By Custox Scottarn WHEN May, upon its punctual round, Comes with its lyric trills and frets, We see, beside some mossy mound, The blue eyes of the violets. They spell remembrance, sad or sweet, Or visions fond, or vain regrets; They bring us something fair though fleet, The blue eyes of the violets. HOTEL SEVILLE Fifth Ave. and 29th St, New York Cit| Convenient to all best shops. Ideal for out-of-town visitors. Single Rooms with Detached Bath, $2.00 per day. Single Rooms with Private Bath, $2.50 per day upward. Rooms, with Bath, for Two, $3 to $5 per day. Parlor, Bedroom and Bath, $5 to $10 per day. Send for diagram showing fixed rooms prices JOHN F. GARRETY, Mgr. HENRY LINDENMEYR & SONS PAPER WAREHOUS Nos. 32, 34 and 36 Bleecker Street Branch Warehouses: 30 Beekman Street, New York, and 32 Clinton Street, Newah¥- ALL KINDS OF PAPER MADE TO ORDES comicbooks.com her ae eee a ane “sveena