Judge — February 23, 1918 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

My Funniest Bit: HE most humorous things I have written depend not so much up- on “lines” as upon situations. Even the brief passage which I give below (from my book “Abroad at Home’’) de- pends, more or less, for its humor, on the picture, pre- viously built up, of two men— Wallace Morgan, the illustra- tor and I—setting out to travel over the United States, and trying to make an alphabetical list of the things of which they have been warned. The list begins with, Aches, Actresses, Adenoids, Alcoholism, Amnesia, Arson, etc. As we were going to Minnesota in the winter, we listed under ““F” the word Freezing—with special regard to ears and noses. In a discussion of our feel- ings as to these menaces the following passage occurs: The first thing we looked forward towith real dread was We dreaded it more than arson, because if someone sets fire to your ear or your nose you the cold in Minnesota. i niin iN 6y Julian ira Aa Street know it immediately, but cold i It seems, from what they say, that you can go along the street, feeling perfectly well, and with no idea that anything is going wrong with you until some experienced resident of the place touches you upon the arm and says: “Excuse me, sir, but you have dropped something.” Then you look around, and there is your ear, lying on the sidewalk. But that is not the worst of it. Before you can thank the stranger, or pick up your ear and dust it off, some one may come along and step on it. They don’t do it purposely. They are simply careless about where they walk. But whether it happens by accident or de- sign, whether your ear is spoiled by it or not, whether or not you be wearing your ear at the time of the occurrence—in any case there is something annoying, something absolutely offensive, to the average man, in the idea of a total stranger’s walking on his ear. Keep Smiling: 46y Walt Mason “Uncle Walt’s” Exclusice Weekly Message to Judge EEP smiling when the dentist ¢: I must extract!” cries, until brine. my face enwreath, and I exclaim, “Go to it, doc, and grub out seven teeth.” I look on dental work as bliss, and always worth the cost. (You'll have to take my word for this—my wit- nesses are lost.) Keep smiling when the taxes rise, and multiply and swell; it does not help to roll your eyes, and mutter, “This is Hoboken!” You groaned of taxes in the past, when they were light to tote; but now the burden on you cast will surely get your goat, unless you bear it with a grin, and feel, as good sports should, you're helping Uncle Sam to win, and whip the foe for good. Oh, reader, I can scarcely wait until it’s time to pay the taxes due the town and state, and government, I say! And when my time has come to dig, folks say, “How good he feels!” Into the air I throw 3 , and crack my ancient heels. “This is a joy I would not miss,” I the welkin’s cracked. It help to tear your hair, it will not help to whine, or rend your robe and beard and swear, or shed nine kinds of When to the dentist’s shop I walk, glad smiles ries, Drawn “Nine teeth It will not help to utter will not FLouri murmur, as I pay. but lost them yesterday.) (I had the blue prints proving this, Keep smiling when officials stern come round to your another load! abode, and say you can’t have coal to burn—no, not We need our coal to overwhelm the foe, and swat him hard; but you may have three pounds of elm, if you’ve a fuel card. Then you will smile if you are wise, and joy- ous handsprings turn, and think about the Prussian guys, who have no elm to burn. Each day they closer draw the lines, on what we drink and eat; but he’s a cheap skate who repines, because of lack of meat. I am no cheap, disloyal oaf, I’m no fourflusher vile; and while I have my sawdust loaf, I still shall wear my smile. If self-denial is the stunt that helps to win the war, just watch me, reader, as I hunt the boiled excelsior! The stern official’s rod I kiss, and bless his drastic trade. (I hada photo show- ing this, but somehow it’s mislaid.) A darkening sky above us bends, and it will grow more dark; before this war is done, my - friends, we'll have to toe the mark. We'll have to suffer and endure, as cach performs his stunt; but every trouble has a cure, and that’s a smiling front. comicbooks.com