Judge — December 8, 1917 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

CHRISTMAS env H, CHRISTMAS, when I hear your bells, the world- O worn heart within me swells, and I throw off my weight of years, and gambol like three brindled steers. At Christmas time I am, in sooth, just like a giddy, blithe- some youth, who feels his oats and would cavort, and cut a swath in harmless sport. I take the children on my knee, and join them in their heartfelt glee, and tell them tales of Santa Claus, the blamedest saint that ever was. I help the carol singers sing, I help to make the joybells ring, I cast aside my doubts and fears, and kick lights from the chandeliers. I would not give a hoot, I say, for any man so old and gray he does not thaw at Christmas time, forgetting age’s cold and rime. I am so old my back is weak, my teeth are gone, my hinges creak; tbe children feed me with a spoon; ah, me, that I was born so soon! I’m drawing near the sunless seas; my snowy hangdowns reach my knees, I have no hair upon my dome; I'm nearing home, I’m nearing hom But when the Christmas season comes, the lifeblood through system hums! The spring of youth isin my limbs! The fire of | youth § isin my glims! I help the sexton ring the bell, I flap y arms nine times and yell, I prance around the Christmas and kiss all damsels fair to see! I raise the loudest, glad- dest yawp, I go out doors and whip a cop. I would not give a hoot, my de: for any gent so bent with years he doesn’t skip with younger men when Christmas time comes round again. At other times I’m fecling bad; I have to wear a liver pad, a belt, a poultice and a truss; I feel so tough I often cuss. have the foot and mouth disease, I have a pair of housem knees; I am so stiff and halt and lame the neighbors say it is a shame. I’m often told by the police that all my joints are need- ing grease, for they can hear them squeal and squawk whenever attempt to walk. But when the Christmas time has come, I am no longer out of plumb. The gay and gladsome atmosphere cuts from my age full many a year, and I go flapping to and fro, and like a joyous rooster crow. An Amphibious Car “T hear it’s pretty swampy where you live.” “It is. I’m thinking of equipping my auto with a pro- peller.” Lines to the M. R. C. By ©. L. PUNNELL IEUTENANT DOCTOR JANEWAY, when you rejected me L Y ‘ou protested at my left-hand tonsil’s size. miner McLait, you marked me underweight, And Captain Jones, you nicked me for my eyes. Of course you men of science are correct as you can be; Yes, each and every one of you is right. Yet you docs must needs agree that a couple of you three Have slipped me 20-20 on my sight. Likewise those of your number who allowed my weight to pass Were slightly more than sixty-six per cent, While the kick on tonsil’s mass (little play that blocked my pass) Was made by just a single learned gent. So, fecling you'd exhausted all the commoner defects, I filed another application blank. Then Licutenant White, M.D., placed a clear OK on me And it felt just like a million in the bank. Oh, my throat is full of tonsils And my lungs are full of ai My blood is full of corpuscles: Both red and white are there; My teeth are full of bismuth, Antimony, lead and tin— But I've squ d into the Army And the war will now begin! Monopoly “The Shah of Persia has five hundred cooks.” “There you are. That’s a reason why the rest of us can’t get one.” “Say! Gaston, I can’t understand a word ye say, but I'll lick any 89," son-of-a-gun that says it comicbooks¥eom