Judge — November 17, 1917 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THANKSGIVING HANKSGIVING was patented by the football teams, but it was invented by the Pilgrim Fathers. The Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for—especially after the Indian had hit the White Brother’s firewater until he could no longer hit the White Brother’s head. There was the young chief who essayed to pot the Pilgrim Father with his tomahawk, but failed, as so many of us do with our aims in life, and nailed instead the Venus de Milo on the Pilgrim whatnot. * Father,” exclaimed the Indian youth, while the Spartan fox leisurely devoured his vitals— “Father, I cannot tell a lie—I did it with my little hatchet!" Now while this story rests on the authority of as capable liars as ever wrote a history, we suspect that the Indian boy stole it from the hen that laid Columbus’s egg; the hen which, being asked by the Dominican rooster that crowed and saved Rome, “who discovered America?” replied: “I did it with my little hatch it!” Or maybe he stole it from William Tell, who when they put the apple on his boy’s hat—the hat being on the hoy’s head, incident- ally—and ordered him to shoot it off, tri- umphantly exclaimed: “ “He has his little writers have asserted that Capain John Smith invented the “dic with my little hatchet,” just after he erased old King Powhatan from the map his timely tomahawk —just in time to save the pulchritu Pocahontas. Captain John Smith certainly invented it if he thought of it. Captain John Smith ought to be thankful to the King of Denmark, for he would have invented Doc Cook if the King of Denmark hadn't beaten him to it In later years the Indians became the wards of the nation, but in Pilgrim times they had hard work to persuade enough Indians to come in to make a comfortable-sized election district Those that did come in were doubtful wards, and while spell- binding might carry some of the Indian wards, the shutter was ter. The Pilgrim Fathers were thankful, too, that as they lived before the days of Mrs. Felicia Hemans, they didn’t have to hear the boys and girls at the school entertain: sent recite those familiar lines beginning “The waking braves dashed high on astern and rockbound coast.” Mrs. Hemans must have got it into her head that the braves attacked from the ocean side, and that a stern and rockbound coast is a reliable substi tute for a coaster brake on a runaway red chief full of good old hat yet!” Some c in our time have things to be thankful for. We knew a man whose garbage collector—thinking to praise him—ap- plauded him for “‘havin’ swell swill” Oh, how happy that @ e man’s family was, and how proud, when he slew the connoisseur of garbage before it got to Mr. Hoover’s ear! Joseph H. Choate used to say that he admired the Pilgrim Mother because she endured all that the Pilgrim Father en- dured, and endured the Pilgrim Father, too. As we surround our Thanksgiving repast of a potato paring garnished with shavings ala Hoover, let us be thankful that our Pilgrim Mothers, whatever they bore, did not have to subsist ona diet of calories and pretty near food! * Nobody thinks much of the man who throws @ handful of coppers inte the street. But at least he sees happiness they make. A personal gift, with your name in it, will mean a lot to some boy in the trenches on Christmas. Fifty cents will send him a box of good things. Send your money in to the Trench Christmas fund and Jovay: will do the rest 2 Sixes and Sevens HEORETICALLY, Congress can confer no titles of no. bility, but it has created Sur Taxes, Barren Investments Lord Deliverus. + That eminent and experienced statesman Colonel House of Texas is collecting relevant facts against the time we make peace. Well, Colonel, for a starter, it wasn’t peace that Cali- fornia voted for that he kept us out of + From what we know of Kerensky’s advisers, what the Rus- sian government needs is less steering gear and a lot more wind shield and 2 It’s pretty tough when you can’t roast the President you elect for that very purpose—but that’s war! America may have meant to be the land of equal opportuni: ties, but there are men here who never even had their hank accounts probed for a slush fund 2 Comptroller of the Currency Williams estimates the wealth of the nation at $250,000,000,000, so the nation ought to a dollar or two left after paying its taxes. * The fathers thought that the departments of our govern- ment would be checks on one another, but they run more to overdrafts 2 King Alfonso of Spain dislikes being called the “last of the Bourbons.” but compared with the tight boot of the Hohen- zollerns, he’s a pretty comfortable last. comicbooks: