Judge — August 18, 1917 — page 20: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

WHAT THE SECRETARY OF WAR SAYS: anks t and sailor who will be cheered not stilt more by the spirit of themestves, but tympathy which inspires ti Each quarter buys a package of tobacco and cigarettes worth 45 cents, enough to make one of your defenders happy for a week. One dollar makes him and his trench-mates glad for a month. Those who can afford it should adopt a soldier and keep him supplied with tobacco for the dura- tion of the war. One dollar a month does it. Small and large contributions solicited. A War Souvenir for You A feature of this fund is that in each package is enclosed a post card ad- dressed to the donor. If it is possible for the soldier or sailor receiving the tobacco to mail you this post card receipt, it will be a war souvenir you will treasure forever. NEWTON D. BAKER, Secretary of War. “Gun Smoke Everywhere— But nota whiff of TOBACCO SMOKE to cheer a fellow up!” "THE English “Tommies” have their pipes kept filled by the folks at home. The French ‘‘Poilus” never want for a smoke—their friends are “on the job.” The “Anzacs” have all the tobacco they can use sent them by their loved ones. And now the time Am our lives and fortunes. We must show them our appreciation. Besides facing the foe, our boys must experience homesickness, loneliness, dreary hours in the trenches, uncomfortable days in torpedo-boat destroyers. Tobacco cheers them; home and friends loom up in the fragrant puffs. Help us to give the boys at the front the “smokes” they crave and need. Even if you object to tobacco personally, think of those whom it comforts and let your contribution come without delay! 126 a Month’s Sup- ply of Tobacco— ACT! Hurry Up With YOUR “Smokes” Dive into your purse. Qut comes a quarter, half-dollar, a note. Mail it at once—currency, stamps, check or money order. The quicker it comes, the quicker our boys will have their smokes. A similar fund in England has sent over four million packages to soldiers and sailors. Here is one way to do your bit—mail the coupon! This is a Volunteer Movement ‘Thespaceforthis advertisementis given free by the Leslie-Judge Company. The services of those who manage the fund aredonated, Every cent collected goes intothe purchaseof tobacco comfort for our soldiers and sailors. Do your part! “OUR BOYS IN FRANCE TOBACCO FUND” 25 West 44th Street, New York City DEPOSITORY —IRVING NATIONAL BANK, N.Y. “OUR BOYS IN FRANCE TOBACCO GENTLEMEN :—1 want to slo my part & to che Hi tobacco will do it—I'm for tobacco. (Cheek below I send you herewith .... my solliers. This does wot obligai Tenclose $1.00. 1 will adopt a duration of the war. FUND," 25 West 44th Street, New York. er wo the American sobiiers who are Sghtine my battle la Prasce. how desire pute.) y: you te contribs contribution towards the purchase of tobacco for American poatribute more and send you $1.00 a meath to supply him with “smokes” for the Jusge 8-18 JUDGE THE DOTING PARENT “GSH-YAH! Children are trials and tribulations,” admitted Mr. Gap Johnson, of Rumpus Ridge, Ark. “I’m in the process of raising: fourteen of ’em, and claim to be sorter posted. I’ve walked three times around the world, I reckon, in lullifying ’em to sleep when they were little, and fit ’em in self-defense when they got big enough to gang me in their endeavors to accumulate what they regarded as their rights. I have also warred with neighbors, school teachers, preachers and strangers, that from time to time 'peared to be miffed at the manners and methods of my ofisprings. I have snatched ’em out of the jaws of death on occasions ithout number, and I've been kept all skinned up the most of the time from jumping in and trying to part 'em when they got to squabbling, as children will. “But, with it all, there have been exterminating circumstances. [I’ve held ’em to my buzzom and felt their little arms around my neck and heard ‘em lisp their first faltering cuss words. They think they’ve got the smartest Dad in the world, and I think I’ve got the peartest pack of children on earth. They’ve kept me poor, but they’ve made me proud. I wouldn't sell ’em for a million dollars apiece, and I wouldn’t give a lead dime for another one.” —Tom P. Morgan, FOR PERFECT PEACE By WALTER JUAN DAVIS KNOW you not the office boy who whistles all the while And misses every tune he tries, about a half a mile? Have you not met Pedanticus, who stickles o'er a word And baits you till your language would be horrible, if heard? Hast not a friend, a sodden friend, with alcoholic breath, Who laughs at nothing but, alas, won't laugh himself to death? And how about him who insists that daily you shall hear How much he’s made and how much more he’s going to make next year? What say you of insurance men, who get to you somehow, . And tell you, with your just deserts, you should be dead right now? I long for no millennium, nor more than modest joys, Yet, I'd approve abolishment of plaguey whistling boys. And swift annihilation of a million minor bores Would have my commendation, in a settlement of scores. But, even when all war shall end, there'll be no perfect peace For me, until these maddening atrocities shall cease. A COLD AND CRITICAL TOWN ‘TE IS like this,” said Bill Batterby, chairman of the board of selectmen who had charge of the town hall in Petersville, to the advance agent who wanted to “book” his company for a night in the town, “I might as well tell you right out that Petersville is as about as cold an’ critical a town as there is in the state. It takes some show to git by with our people. You can’t pa’m off any old thing on Petersville. It’s gotta be Ar to ketch on here. I’ve seen ’em set like icicles through a play that the folks over to Pussleyburg would clap from start to finish. From vawdyville to real drammy we want the best there is a-goin’. We got folks here that’s seen Sary Barnhard and Sir Beerboom Tree an’ Lily Russell an’ heard Paddy- resker an’ Misky Ellerman play an’ they know what’s what in the drammy an’ music. You can’t expect them to set through trained dogs an’ birds an’ men and women ackerbats that drink a glass o’ water standin’ on their heads an’ tie their legs in a bow-knot back o’ their necks. Still, if your ‘Lured to Her Doom’ has plenty o’ pep in it an’ some good songs an’ dances an’ a few funny-bone ticklers in it it might git by with our people, but you gotta remember that you are actin’ before a mighty cold an’ critical audience. See?” —Max Merryman. MAKING IT ALL RIGHT « A LAS!” said the drummer at the dinner table. ‘Kindly look closely and you will observe four flies swimming about in my coffee.” “Too true!” replied the gentle waitress of the Huckabuck tavern. “It is indeed unfortunate, but if you will let the cup set, or sit, as the case may be, for a few minutes the insects will drown and then sink to the bottom, and you will soon forget all about them. Howlyahaveyereggs?” i) | | | comicbooks.com