Judge — August 4, 1917 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

WHAT DOES IT MATTER? By CLINTON SCOLLARD T GOLF I am known as a “duffer” By all of the cracks of the club; At tennis I oftentimes suffer To hear myself christened a “dub”; Tam told I am “mad as a hatter” On art that’s cubistic and queer; But what, pri- thee, what doesit matter As Ilongasshe calls me “her dear!” My motor friends flout me as ‘‘foolish” Because I incline to go slot My writer friendscry that I’m “ghoulish” Because I still like to read Poe; My musical friends declare clatter And rag-time to me are a treat; But what, prithee, what does it matter, As long as she calls me “her sweet!” Some mutter my temper is “testy,” That, crow-like, I frequently croak; While others aver I act “‘chesty” Whenever I pull off a joke; Some claim that each year I look fatter, And haven’t the grit of a dove; But what, prithee, what does it matter, As long as she calls me “her love!” I've lost, so they say, all ambition, As shown by my vacuous “phiz”’; You'd think I were doomed to perdition, Wherever, whatever, that is! My brains are considered as “scatter,” But callous, quite callous, Uve grown, For what, prithee, what does it matter, As long as she calls me “her own!” Vanished Article He—I thought you said you bought low shoes the other day? She—I did. He—They've deceived you again, my dear. The bill came in today and they were certainly high ones. VOCABULARY FOR LIARS BSOLUTELY All Wool Butter Bargain Big Business Clerical Error Culture Cooperation Day-old Eggs Development Deprecia- tion Exact Science Equality Efficiency Fresh Eggs Fair Play Famine Guaranteed Gilt-edge Good Eggs Healthy Hogs Honest Infantile Paralysis Intelligent Justifiable Johnny-on-the-spot Knickerbocker Kerosene Know Last Lots Living Conditions -Law Millions Misunderstood Market Price New-laid Eggs Nuts New Thoughts Original Oversight Opportunity of a lifetime Poliomyelitis Progress Quacks Questionable Quash Regular Rare Bird Rich Rubber Safety First Sodalicious Sure Cure True Facts The Very Latest Useful Utilitarian Upward Vindicated Velvet Vacci- nated Vivisected War Prices Warranted Winter Wheat X-Ray X-tra fine Yes Income Pure Milk Philanthropy Quixotic Social Science Strictly Fresh —T..C. Not Responsible “My name isSmith,and—” “You have my sympathy, of course,” interrupted old Festus Pester. ‘But, really, I don’t see how you can blame me.” The Way She Did Bessie—You don’t believe every bit of scandal you hear, do you? Helen—Oh, dear, no; but if SAYS J. FULLER GLOOM I AM thoroughly convinced of the total depravity of other people. It is so impolite to contradict that I rarely deny myself anything. How does it happen that the friends of our boyhood are always broke? For that tired feeling in the morning take one hour earlier in bed the night before. Every time I am solicited to purchase tickets to an amateur theatrical per- formance I get stage fright. In flattering himself that man is but little lower than the angels the average man does not praise the angels to any great extent. —Tom P. Morgan. Food conservationists urge us to use judgment—but we have to borrow it for seed as it is. one keeps repeating it, it seems to help a lot. Tommy—Wot's the news of the war, Bill? comicbooks.com