Judge — July 7, 1917 — page 18: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE’S ARTISTIC ALPHABET IS FOR HAMIL- TON, GRANT E. His cartoons delight palace and shanty; At drawing a cheque He’s awonder, by Heck! He CAN draw some daisies —now can’t he? IS FOR HART- MAN, whose clever Original drawings will never Be less than unique; We look every week For the fruits of his latest endeavor. H IS FOR HENKEL. Tis true, Of laughs he gets more than a few; With humor delicious And never malicious— Surprising the work he can do! fret fol PRIMA FACIE, AT LAST HERE is an English captain at our hotel who is much offended because I asked him if he were not an Irishman Pass upon my case, Judge, whether I deserve conviction or acquittal. Here is the evidence: The captain told me how much he regretted missing a social affair at the house of some friends. “But,” he explained, “it was nobody’s fault, particularly. They called me on the tele- phone a number of times, but I was ays out when they got me.” —Dixon Merritt. A Reasonable Guess Farmer Hornbeak—I was reading in the paper last night about the case of a woman who was disappointed in love, and went to bed and stayed there for forty-seven years. Farmer Bentover—By January! I believe that is what's the matter with my hired man. I'll betcha he’s been disap- pointed in love. The Fourth in ’54 Ss! Perxtxs was a fishermaf who used split peas for bait; He also was a billiardist whose English was ornate. And Si could entertain the bunch of “ ies” in the store About that celebration of the “ Fourth” in '54. “Twus held in Pleasant Valley, an’ the boys frum Sherburne came To show us how to run a race an’ quench the lurid flame. They fetched along thur water cart—'twus Neptune Number One. ‘They drunk up all the ginger pop an’ didn’t leave us nun. “They threw a stream thet hit the roof o’ the ole Baptiss church An’ knocked the dern ole weather vane right off his lofty perch. They wus past masters stringin’ hose an’ winnin’ o’ the r: They et us out 0’ house an’ hum an’ skun the hull dern place. when they ambled out o° town wuth thur ole water cart y left behind a desert dry enuff to break one’s heart. Nope! things hain’t like they u: hur hain't no fun no more Like thet ole celebrashun o’ the Fourth ” in *54.” —Horace Seymour Keller. But Did You Ever Have a Bath-Tub Spring a Leak? ONES, the plumber, is mighty wroth at Dr. Brown, and is thinking of starting suit against the doctor as soon as he gets up and around. He doesn’t know just what kind of a suit he will start, but figures that some lawyer will be glad to tell him. It seems that Jones was working in his shop and met with a little accident of some kind. He called up Dr. Brown on the telephone and told him that something was busted in his fore- arm, and to come right over. Well, to begin with, it was hours before he did. Then, after he had looked at Jones’ arm, he said he would have to go back to his office and get some tape and bandages and scissors and other little things. Jones says he should think a doctor would carry a few things like that that are so often necessary, instead of chasing back to his office. But what makes Jones the maddest is that he has just got Dr. Brown's bill and the doctor has charged him up with two visits—the one when he really did the work and the one when he just came in and then had to go back to the office after his bandages and instruments. How It Happened “This is my uncle Dud Dobbs,” said Miss Clessaphine utter, who was exhibiting the family photograph album. . he didn’t have a strip of white whiskers growing on the front side of his neck, although ‘most everybody who looks his picture asks that question. That is where his Adam’: kept sliding up and down while he was trying to look pleasantly at the camera.” A Mean Trick “Whuh is dat new plug hat yo’-all done bought last week, sah?” “Dar, now! Lemme tell yo’ "bout de mean trick dat a brudder in de lodge played on me, sah: I loaned him dat fine hat to ‘ficiate at a weddin’ wid, and dess loogy at what dat scoun’el nigger done! He got hiss’f put in jail, and he’s dar yet, muh new hat and all!” The Only Way You can’t blame the doctors if they do sometimes hurry our demise a little; about the only way you can collect a doc- tor’s bill from some people is to collect it from their estate. comicbooks.com