Judge — May 26, 1917 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Ousted READ, which has been the staff of life ever since Hector B was a puppy dog, is about to be ousted off the pedestal. We have lately come to learn a lot about what we should eat and why we should eat it. Scientific cooks and slide- rule dietists are telling us a good many things nowadays; and they are coming at us with an array of figures that readily stupefy the average mind into disgusting receptivity. They have discovered that life after all is only the simple process of getting on the outside of the proper number of calories every So many calories for breakfast, so many calories for luncheon, so many calories for dinner! And there you are—alive and well and prosperous. Just what a calorie is we hesitate to say. We have a faint notion that it is something between an erg and a chicane, but we don’t know. Noah’s old unabridged says that a calorie i: the amount of heat necessary to raise one gram of water one degree Centigrade; but somehow or other that kind of informa- tion isn’t a great deal of solace when it comes to appraising the lynamic sustenance in a pound of butter or a dill pickle or a gin rickey. By the sheer force of our will and by a vague sort of faith that we have in anything a man of science says we have occasionally conjured up a sort of feeling that the ultimate purpose of food is the pro- duction of heat in the body. In a general way, we are content to regard this as a highly moral purpose and to let it go at that. But we rebel viciously against taking the census of all the calories in every tiny morsel that would ramble down our aesopha- gus. We don’t like them anyhow. The calorie is too much of a high- brow. It has been altogether toc exclusive, spending all of its day among physicists and cooks with calipers and calibrated crocks. It has held itself aloof from us common mortals, who cat because we are hungry and have the price. Natur- ally we resent the calorie’s sudden attempt to popularize itself, naturally we scoff at it and treat it with scant courtesy. & & HOW THE ROOKIE FELT THE FIRST TIME HE PASSED IN REVIEW R I What the calorie should do is to educate you and me and the proleyariat as to its approximate war strength in various common articles of diet. We should like to know whether a slice of Swiss cheese contains a dozen calories or a thousand, and whether there are any at all in fruit salad or tabasco sauce. We should also like to know about sardines and eggs fried on two sides and beef stew and corn cakes with maplish syrup. If the calorie expects to make much headway with folks, it must advertise itself in the best known mediums. Sixes and Sevens Tis to be feared that our genial friend, Col. Watterson, the veteran editor of the Louisville Courier-Journal, is inclined to be a little partial toward the Allies, for he has suggested the motto: “To Hell with the Hapsburgs and the Hohenzollerns!” ¢ \ good husband tells his wife his faults. —Mikoaukee Sentinel. How it mortifies the good husband, to realize that he has no faults to tell her off * Elopers. they tell us, will be discouraged by the new law that you must live five days in Vermont before you can marr: Why, if you love the girl, you'd be willing to live five days in Mexico! 2 Ignorance of the law excuses no man. Why doesn’t he go get some good woman to lay it down to him? 2 If there is $10 to spend for clothe: $5 is spent en daughter, $3 on son, Sz ‘on mother. and pa gets his hat brushed. —Fort Worth (Texas) Telegram Move to strike out from the word “if” to and including the word “spend.” on the ground that it is incompetent, immaterial and contrary to the weight of evidence. 2 Villa has a sense of news values. He hasn't died once since we got into the European fracas. 2 If we had a boy to bring up to be a king, nowadays, first of all we'd train him in the hundred-yard dash. comicbooks.com