Judge — April 28, 1917 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

WONDER why the dreary gent who has no humor in his soul, is evermore on humor bent; who has not heard his rigmarole? You know the “That reminds me” bore, who's alway’s loaded with a tale, some narrative that’s halt and hoar, some yarn that Jonah told the whale. You meet him in the banquet hall, you meet him in the busy mart; on all your joy he casts a pall, and breaks your warm and trusting heart. I wonder why, when some one dies, there always is a mourner near, who wipes the briny from his eyes, and writes a poem upon the bier. You may, at ordinary times, be satisfied you are su would not think of writing rhymes, you find such exercise too hard. But let your Uncle James expire, and like the rest you will insurge; you'll blow some kopecks for a lyre, and thei! produce the dingedest dirge. I wonder why we always know some satisfaction when we hear our neighbor's plunged neck-deep in woe, without a sign of solace near. When I go jogging o'er the wold, in my new car, ornate and rich, *s increased a hundredfold, by some one in the ditch. "Tis no bard; my je ant, sure, to hear him swear, and hand out sentiments quite mean, some fourteen miles from anywhere, without a drop of gasoline. I try to fight this spirit, down, to truly sympathize with those who suffer under fortune’s frown and have nine kinds of griefs and woes; but when I hear how foul mischancc hath overtaken Smith or Jones, [ must Imit the circumstance sends thrills of pleasure through my bones I wonder why we all declare that patent medicines are punk, then to the pharmacy repair, and for Hay Bitters blow a plunk? I wonder why we boost the Flag, which we'd defend with battle-ax, and then rear up and chew the rag, when it is time to pay our tax IT wonder why—but what's the use? Recruiting Officer —What is your height? Officer The world is mad, as sure as fate; in every board a screw is loose, and wondering won't make things straight THEIR UNCERTAINTY 6OTP HERE is a new-comer in town who is creating considerable feeling among our best people,” admitted the landlord of the Petunia tavern. “He came here alone about six weeks ago, quietly looked ‘over our progressive little city, bought a place that "peared to suit him, and without asking the advice of any one built a house according to his own notions, and settled down to apparently mind his own business. “ B’cuz he has no family here, and did not rush to the papers to tell all about himself and his ancestors in the hope of getting a flattering welcome into our midst, and didn’t slyly let it be understood that he was prominent and intluential where he came from, and is not already telling us old-timers how to run our Lown and how much better everything was done where he used to live, people’s ideas of the fitness of things have been knocked all askew, and they are convinced that there is some- thing mighty mysterious about him. “Some think that mebby he is hiding from something or somebody, others are inclined to suspect that he is a detective in disguise, and Miss Clessaphine Clatter, who is terribly romantic, whispers that she just believes that he has a beautiful Japanese wife somewhere, that was stolen from him by horrible Oriental villa a ns. —Tom P. Morgan. The True Story of Bluebeard UEBEARD’S seventh wife had opened the door of the forbidden chamber. . The piker!”’ she exclaimed. ‘The cheap skate! He, will hold out on me, will he, so as to make me virtually pay my own imony?” Concealed in the darkest corner of the mysterious room were an egg and seven perfectly good potatoes! Blessings of War He—And the National Guard is to protect the bridges: nd She—How perfectly scrumptious! Can [ get that second licutenant with the curly hair and the soulful eyes when | give mine? Applicant——About six feet. Recruiting Do you count your two feet on the floor? Hump!