Judge, 1917-04-21 · page 8 of 32
Judge — April 21, 1917 — page 8: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains three satirical pieces mocking contemporary social attitudes: **"Atalanta in Suburbia"** parodies Greek mythology, reimagining the swift maiden Atalanta as a modern suburban wife rushing to catch the 8:07 train. The joke: she's so encumbered by fashionable clothing (heavy furs, elaborate plumed hat, restrictive skirt) that despite her legendary speed, she'd still outrun a middle-aged man. It satirizes how women's fashion constrains mobility while husbands admire their wives' vitality—an ironic commentary on period gender dynamics. **"From a Sinner's Diary"** mocks hypocritical clergy who present idealized personas on Sundays while being ordinary (implicitly flawed) weekdays. The preacher uses charm to sell memberships to an old ladies' home; the diarist admits he won't prove his virtue by starting it. **"Not a Rule of Reason"** attacks judicial absurdity: a judge declares he won't hear divorce cases unless wives demand alimony—implying husbands must pay for freedom. The author sarcastically questions this logic: Does it require mercenary wives? Punish poor women? The piece ridicules the judge's muddled reasoning. All three pieces target hypocrisy and illogical social conventions.
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Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
His wife—John, run down stairs and get me a hair-pin ! Atalanta in Suburbia By WILLIAM LAIRD ANTA, lamenting in bondage If Minos, relenting, shall grant again breath, I challenge thee: race in Suburbia; come catch the 8:07 with Beth. In spite of thy speed, in spite of the fuss Greece made for thy meed, I'll back Beth for us, If only ye struggle as equals, if only thou run with her thus: Fetter thy feet with a skirt a la mode; Let heavy furs meet on thy bosom, and load Thy hair with a wonderful hat whereon uumerous plumes have been sewed. Victress she'll be—I am certain of that. She flashes by me like a ball from a bat, As if I were ninety, not forty; asif I were crippled,not fat. Come then, and sun thee on earth yet again, Where Milanion won thee with fruit of such stain As I would I might roll by the feet of the fleet as she whirls to the train, Ah, could I but make her mine, ere I’m old! Either o’ertake her, or snare her and hold! O Zeus! for the legs of Milanion! O Zeus! for the apples of gold! Something to worry about: Will your boy ever be as saintly as your wife’s first husband? From a Sinner’s Diary fT HE pancakes and coffee of life are different after we have to make 'em and grind ’em. This is how one preacher I know sells tickets: “ What do you ladies do to always look so well and young?” I don’t catch her answer, but next he says, ‘Do you want to sign up right now?” Three women want me to start an old ladies’ home with them as charter members. They think I’m just as nice all the week as I am a little while Sunday. To prove to 'em Iam I sha’n’t start it. Even though you shoot too far over, lower your sights and keep on. Somebody has to or go without. It’s most as cheap to do right unless you bungle upon the right lawyer. But in a hundred years what'll it matter? Lucky they who can make themselves believe the cobweb of hope is the pearl cable of reality. (But can they?) Never put hold-backs on your josh. Let it run. It may get such a start it will carry you up grade sometime.— Lynette Freemire. Not a Rule of Reason CERTAIN judge, whose reputa- tion for perspicacity is not ex- actly what it should be, has recently announced that he will consider no ap- plications for divorce wherein the wife fails to apply for alimony. He hints that failure to apply for alimony is prima facie evidence that the husband has O.K.’d the suit and will not contest it. His vagueness leaves the inquisitive reader in a most uncomfortable quandary. Does all of this mean that a man ought to be willing to pay for the privilege of being released from an) irksome yoke? Does it mean that unsatisfied wives should be more mercenary than they are? Does it mean that divorce should be granted only when one of the principals desires it? Does it mean that a yearning after ali- mony is the only just cause for the sepa- ration of two hearts that won’t articu- late? Or does it mean that grass widows without money and grass widowers with it are dangerous to the well-being of so- ciety? It is indeed to be regretted that the honorable judge did not give a more de- tailed exposé of the cerebral gymnastics that culminated in his interesting pro- nouncement. He leaves us hopelessly muddled and not a little nervous. —H.W. Dee. A HINT? Proprietor: —May | ask why you haf dose glasses your face on? Guest—Certainly; you see | am very hungry; these powerful glasses make your small portions seem larger. comicbooks.com