Judge — March 31, 1917 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

SUNDAY NEWSPAPERS By DON HEROLD E ARE NEVER more systematic than on Sunday W morning when we read the Sunday paper. We use the “pile A to pile B” system, or the proc- ess of elimination. (We would be glad to have confessions of other systems.) First we peel off the comic section and use it as a nest egg for pile “B.”” Then we read the want ads, which takes no time whatever, because there is nothing that we want. So we put the want ad section in pile “B.” Then we turn through the woman’s section at the rate of about a thousand pages a minute and place it in pile “B.” Then, not being interested in sports, we place the sport section in pile “B,” after looking through it sweepingly. Next, we take up the automobile section, in which we have very little interest, and look through it hastily, and place it in pile “B.” You see our system is to work down to the things we like best, so that when we really get ready to start in to read we will not have to nurse a twelve-pound newspaper in our arms. (The reader will readily understand our system by this time. All the time, we are passing sections from pile to pile “B"—a very simple system.) The next section we take up is the illustrated magazine section, but not caring particularly for this sort of matter, we place it without much d in pile “B." Next, the theatrical section. We look through this rather casually and hurriedly and place it in pile “B.””. Now we are reduced to the cl Not being a very close follower of the daily news, we give this department of the paper only a superficial scanning and read per- haps three or four headlines and a few para- graphs of news from Washington, and place it, with great relief, in pile “B.” We look at pile “B” with a great deal of pride and satisfaction. We feel that we have been very thorough and very systematic, and done a good Sunday morning’s work. This explains the white paper famine. Her Deduction OW ELL! well!” ejaculated honest Farmer Hornback, in the midst of his perusal of the village newspaper, “it says here that the Hon. Peter Dowt committed suicide by tak- ing rat poison!” “Dear suzz!” replied his wife. “I didn’t know that the Honorable was troubled with rats!” THREE OF A KIND By S. EB. RISER The Coward! “cc HY in the world don’t they give up their automo- W bile and try to pay some of their honest debts?” asked the lady who was always worrying about the troubles other people had. “Probably,” her husband replied, “for the same reason that we don’t move into an apartment we can afford, instead of keep- ing up this place and wondering how long we can avoid going to smash.” “Oh, how I despise a man who is willing to let the world see that he’s a failure, instead of being brave enough to keep up appearances, at least!” It's Hard To Satisfy Some Women “Darling,” he cried, “the firm is going to give me a fifteen percent raise to help us to meet the general rise in prices.” “Oh,” she replied, “if we've got to use it for that, what’s the good of it? Why couldn’t we have had it for some of the things we haven't been able to afford?” ad Sweet Reassurance “And will you love me to the end?” she asked, cuddling in his arms, after their first quarrel. “Yes,” he replied with all the fervor of his soul, how soon it may come.” “no matter New York City Nursery Rhymes By LOUIS HOW Murray Hill Forty-second, Shortly ‘ont Makes the utes fly; So scurry, hurry, Mary Murray, You're as late as I! ARY MURRAY, Fairly flurry: Hurry up your hill! You've only got a minute left, It’s forty-second still. Never Again Commuter—Did you ever stop to think why men hurry Subbubs—Yes, once—and missed my train. Friend (anxiously from the fence)—Can you make it, John? Jokn—Easy! Do you think I've been a commuter all these years for nothing? comicbooks.com