Judge, 1917-03-31 · page 11 of 28
Judge — March 31, 1917 — page 11: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains two distinct pieces: **"The Notion Counter"** by Douglas Malloch is a humorous essay collection—brief, observational anecdotes about everyday life quirks. Examples include complaints about train delays, furnace failures, and the irony of a baldness-cure salesman who benefits from his own product. One quip mocks Andrew Carnegie's philanthropic "tainted money" donation to the Washington library. These are lighthearted social commentary on human nature and modern inconveniences, requiring no specific historical context beyond early 20th-century American life. **"The Desired Effect"** is a dialect comedy sketch featuring "Brother Slewfoot," a Black character speaking in exaggerated African-American vernacular. He requests money for medicine for his children's mumps, claiming they're so loud you can hear them across the street. When challenged as a liar, he cleverly asks for payment *for being* the best liar—inverting the insult into profit. The humor relies on period stereotypes and trickster-tale traditions.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
When grandmother's shoes needed tying, the knot was generally near the toe—but today it may be anywhere. THE NOTION COUNTER By DOUGLAS MALLOCH ECENTLY a lady called at the Carnegie library in Washington for one of my books, and they didn’t have it. Now Iam ready to join heartily in talking about Andrew’s tainted money. To hear some men talk when the train is an hour late you would think that it is the worst thing that ever happened to them. Not long ago a lady who admitted me to a house had such an air of quiet dignity about her that I mistook her for the maid. I just told somebody something that somebody told me on my promise not to repeat it. But it’s all right, because she has promised not to tell. Some men can sleep in an upper just as well as they can in a lower. 1 can’t sleep in a Pullman either. The furnace always gocs out on a cold night, and company always comes when there is the least in the house. Six thousand school teachers attended a con- vention at Kansas City, and thirty thousand children were delighted. No, not Kansas City children. I met a man the other day who had been greatly benefited by a cure for baldness. He makes it. Suggestion for an inscription over a United States mint, for the attention of American vis- itor “Prepare to Meet thy God.” tion is the thing that makes a girl decide to tell Mother afterward about the thing she intends to do. Two men were arguing the other night whether T have a good or a poor memory. The tailor won. Marriage ought to be like taking a paper, and every year we ought to have to renew our sub- scription. Most men have sense, but some swear at the ticket agent because of the sins of the railroad. A friend of mine has just got married and gone to South America. Some folks go first. The Chinese were the first to use gunpowder, and Americans are the last. Perhaps they are called “art collections” because art is long and so are collections. An opera singer is generally in love with some- body, and generally it is himself. The Desired Effect 66), ASSAH! I sho’ is in a puhdickymunt, sah,” whined Brother Slewfoot. “Muh child’en has done got de mumps, and got ’em so pow’ful pompous dat yo’ kin hear ’em cl’ar acrost de street. And I wisht yo’d please gimme ‘bout haffer dollah, sah, to buy some medicine for ‘em. When all dem eight child’en gits to mumpin’ at once, de sound——” “Pshaw! You can’t hear the mumps. Slew- foot, you are an abominable liar!’ “Yassah! And won't yo’ please gimme dat haffer dollah for bein’ de most ’bom’able liar yo’ has met dis bright mawnin’, sah? Uh-yaw! haw! haw!’ Trying to explain a mistake is a waste of time. The time might be used in making other mistakes. comicbooks.com