Judge — March 24, 1917 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

All Fools of the days which achieve red 4 ink on the calendar celebrate some particular man, or group of men, Fore- fathers’ day? That's of men who found America so rocky and left it so Plymouth rocky. Colum- busday? That's the Ad miral Peary of the 1402 controversy with Leif the Dane taking the Doc Cook end of it, Fourth of July? That’s the man who declared our independence—a_mar- ried man, at that!—the first Reno-vator of four international relations, as it were But April? All Fools? Why, that’s all of us. P. T. Barnum struck the key- note when he said there's a sucker born every minute. True Lincoln said that you can't ‘fool all the people all the time’—but Lincoln admitted that you can fool all the people some of the time, and some of them all the time. So, Lincoln and Barnum—really they weren't so farapart,at that. Barnum was in the show business—and Lincoln wanted everybody to have a show didn’t he? The wisest man is he who knows If he doesn’t know it, the Most men in private call themselves fools. More than one man will permit the wife of his bosom to re- mind him that he is a fool—if she says it right A still larger proportion of the genus husband will permit the wife to think he is one—for the unassailable rea- son that he can't help himself If thoughts were libels, lots of husbands by simpiy reading their wives’ minds and collecting the damages due accordingly he is a fool more fool he. might be rolling in wealth, instead of sinking into the direst alimony. Yet the avers man would rather you'd call him a liar, a thief. a mine- salter, a four-flusher—anything, rather than that you call him a fool. The boy in the front parlor, with the callers, had been warned to hold his tongue, because he “wasn’t quite all there.” The callers asked him his age, his name, and so on, and when he did not answer they said: “Why, he is a fool!” There, ma.” he exclaimed, “IT haven't said a word, and they know it already!” This fable teaches us never to hold our tongues unless we can get leave-to-print in the Congressional Record It fines down to this: Either you are married, or you are not. If you are not “Stop, George! We'll have to detour—traffic is tied up ‘on this line!” married—well, you know what Barnum said. Hf you are married—why, you are married. Solomon was the wisest. man. We can’t be as wise as Solomon was, or any- where near, unless we amend the anti- polygamy laws. We might approximate it consecutively—but consecutive wis: dom is after all a poor substitute for the Solomon was a son all call wholesale article of David, but nowadays they him a son of a gun Sixes and Sevens RE wrote Bacon, some id Joost Van Den Vondel wrote Milton, Next thing you know, they'll lay the profaning hand on our national anthem and deny that Francis Scott Key wrote “Casey at the Bat. 2 If those “pork bills” in Congress are really non-partisan, why don’t they: slip in an item to dredge Salt Creek? 2 » man can expect to be happily married Syracuse Herald. unless he’s a good listener. Oh, be a sport, and talk her into marry- ing you to reform your loquacity. 2 The wicked, the xd Book tells us, “stand in slippery places.” Which proti- ci might profit, them a lot more, if the orthodox hereafter were a skating rink. Something to worry over: When acity adopts the commission form of government, who is to perform the mayor's time-honored duty of pitching the first ball’ * Spelling simplitiers have per- suaded the New York Associated Dailies to spell it “thru.” Maybe they might induce the high-cost-of-news- print-paper to spell it “enuf.” ¢ “Do cows yawn and stretch?” asks Constant: Reader. Couldn't say about the yawning, but as for stretching we knew a cow that gave four quarts of milk and supplied six families with a quart apiece. * Mouths save thousands and thousands of reputations by not being left ajar. comicbooks.com