Judge — March 3, 1917 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

T DIVERS times the doc inspects me, to sce if I've new A ills, then having sized me up, corrects me by feeding me with pills. He also kicks up quite a riot, about my habits vain, and tells me I will have to diet, if I'd get well again And always, while my ribs he’s poking, and gazing down my throat, he tells me I must cut out smoking, or it will get my goat. He tells me how my heart is soaking in noxious nicotine, and how my everlasting smoking has turned my liver green I hear his eloquence rise higher, I tremble in my boots; scared stiff, I throw away my briar, and likewise my cheroots. “A new leaf here,” I say, “I’m turning, so mark me, Dr. Bore; no man will ever see me burning tobacco any more But scarcely has the doc skedaddled, before a friend appears; he smiles as though his brains were addled, he chortles and he chee: “T got some smokes straight from Havana—a present from a friend! Just try this torch on your piannah, and let your troubles end Ah, well, perhaps I'll have to perish, but I must smoke that weed! It’s such a THE NEED OF THE By ELLIS 0, JONES HOUR ET budding inventive geniuses turn their immediate at- tention to the devising of an efficient germ-detector and germ-avoider. This is the most imperative need that now presses upon us. The doctors have made it plain that the germ causes every disease, that it is the busy little mother of all the ills that flesh is heir to. Our task is therefore obvious. All we have to do is to work out a scheme for spying out a germ in the offing and another scheme for dodging it when it seems to be headed in our direction. After that, there will be practically nothing left to interfere with life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. As soon as we have our germs under control and completely everything else can be done with impunity. and undereat, oversleep and undersleep, overwork and under- work. We can make whatever demands we wish upon our constitutions and upon our by-laws and they needs must obey without complaint. We will be freed from all further attention to that mosi elusive and confusing subject, the chemistry of foods. We can even repeal the pure food law or let it go along in its present inefficient state, for it will not matter. We can remove such questions as liquor and tobacco forever from the realm of physiology and policies and relegate them exclusively to the realm of taste. We can retire our doctors on pensions and we can consign all pharmacopeias and materia medicas to a hermetically sealed vacuum, for then they will only be of interest to future generations as curiosities. The germ’s the thing without a doubt. Let us not lose another moment in tracking it to its lair, studying its customs and predilections and placing it hors du combat. Winter a little stronger; Skirts a little long Cheeks a little rosier; Hearths a little cozier; Morns a little frosty Coal a little costy; Christmas little nearer; Meat a little dearer; Balls a little fancier; Floors a little dancier; Everybody jolly; Hurry, health, and holly! — Roscoe Gilmore Stott. smoke as Jove might cherish, a paragon indeed! The old doc says, shocking! My rules you must obe you'll have to do nine miles of walking, hereafter, every day. Begin this stunt tomorrow morning, and walk, and walk, and walk; and if you do not heed this warning, no more am I your doc.” As, in the morning, I’m proceeding, along the dusty pike, my system sore, my bosom bleeding, my wishbone on a strike, a motor car comes up behind me, and slows down to a halt; I hear the owner say, “Dad blind me, if here ain’t Uncle Walt! You darned old chump, why are you drilling, and wearing out your feet? My foaming car is swift and willing—there’s room in this hind seat!" Oh, thunder! There’s no use of try- ing to do what doctors say! E’en though “Your state is tomorrow find me dying, I'll have a ride today! THE VILLAGE BLACKSMITH comicbooks.com