Judge, 1917-01-06 · page 12 of 32
Judge — January 6, 1917 — page 12: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page from *Judge* magazine consists primarily of **humorous motoring advice and brief satirical fables**, rather than political cartoons. The main section, "EXHAUSTS," offers tongue-in-cheek driving tips mocking early automobile culture—warning against reckless driving while poking fun at motorists' vanity and obsession with their vehicles. References like the "blue cross" (likely an ambulance marker) and complaints about gasoline prices anchor this in the early automotive era. The "Fable-ettes" section uses repetitive joke structures to satirize human nature: a man's luck remains unchanged whether he loses or finds money; a girl is the same person whether accepting or rejecting a suitor; a poem's quality depends on who reads it, not the poem itself. These mock traditional moral tales. Minor jokes include a gibe at King Richard for preferring streetcars to horses—absurd given the "modern" automobile age. The artwork—a winged figure and driving scenes—illustrates automotive themes rather than specific political targets. The page satirizes *motoring culture itself* and universal human folly, not particular politicians or events.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
EXHAUSTS HEN confused, slow up. When rat- tled, stop. Of course you are bright, but the other geek may be a fool or drunk. Give him plenty of room when passing. Your car will run without almost everything except gasoline. I once paid elev- en dollars and six- ty-two cents to have my magneto over- hauled because I didn’t want to injure my tires fifty-seven cents’ worth by put- ting on my chains to go a mile up a “slick” hill. Learn to drive slowly without jerking. Any fool can drive fast. Drive always as cop were sitting beside you reading your speedometer, and it will be much longer before one reads your license card and adds a post- script to it. It takes less brains to step on her tail than it does to drive wisely. You may pass a thousand wagons on the top of a hill in perfect safety, at full speed. And then one day you will meet another car passing a wagon just as fast at the very brow of a hill. Then you'll quit that practice and most of others. If you want your wife to be impressed with you, never let her learn to drive. She will become a better driver than you are, in about two weeks, and then where is your prestige? If you have a blue cross on the front of your car, you may make as much busi- ness for yourself as you like. The more the price of gasoline goes up, the more your mileage record stays down. We know not what makes the price of petrol soar, but we know that is what makes us sore.—Strickland Gillilan. King Richard offered his kingdom for a horse. If the offer holds good he can find something to his advantage still drawing a New York City street car. Stranger Yet TRANGE are the ways of a man with a maid, So Solomon said and his wisdom displayed; But stranger than that, yea, stranger by far, Are the ways of a man with a new motor car. Walter G. Doty. Fable-ettes A Man lost a Five Dollar Bill. When he missed it he said, “Just my luck!” A Man found a Five Dol- lar Bill. When he grabbed it hesaid, “Just my Luck!”” Moral: It was the Same Bill. A Girl rejected A Youth. He exclaimed, “I am the Wretchedest. Man aliv A Girl accepted A Youth. He exclaimed, “T am the Happiest Man alive!” Moral: It was The Same Girl. A Man was asked by a Pretty Canvasser, “May I take your Subscription to The Marshmallow Maga- ? He smiled, “Yes, indeed.” A Man was asked by a Homely Can’ “May I take your Subscription to The Marshmallow Maga- sine?” He growled, “No, indeed.” Moral: It was The Same Man. An Editor read a Poem. He ejaculated, “Rot!” An Editor read a Poem. He ejaculated, “Great! Moral: It was The Same Poem.—Frederick Moxon. The only safe kind of a lien to carry on acar as an attachment is gasoline. WHY ART The Only Way TLAS bore the world on his shoul- ders. “The only way to remem- ber all my wife wants me to carry home,” he explained. Appreciation Fogg—She has a charming personality. HMogg—Her realty isn’t so worse, either. HMBITION ~ AMBITION Se 1S LONG