Judge, 1916-12-30 · page 12 of 29
Judge — December 30, 1916 — page 12: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
**"Speaking Your Mind" (Walt Mason):** A cautionary verse contrasting two neighbors—Smith, who speaks harsh truths and gets beaten up for it, versus the narrator, who tactfully tolerates lies from his friend Biffkin to avoid conflict. The satire mocks Smith's self-righteous honesty while suggesting that social peace requires diplomatic dishonesty. This reflects early 20th-century tension between blunt candor and social propriety. **"At the Hairdresser's":** A satirical dialogue exposing beauty-industry deception. A hairdresser manipulates a woman into expensive treatments (dye, permanent waves, creams) by flattering her and suggesting her husband will prefer her altered appearance. The humor targets vanity and commercial exploitation of women's insecurity. **"Parodies of the Fair Green":** A poem mocking golfers' frustration with difficult courses, using mock-heroic language. The humor is straightforward: golfers curse their poor play on challenging greens. **"That Noise":** A brief joke about circus performers (a fire-eater and human pincushion) in a boarding house, playing on the absurdity of their professions.
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Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
SPEAK my mind on all occasions, with no reserve and asions.”” This was my Neighbor Smith’s confes- for candor is his chief obsession. He thinks it is a shining virtue, to speak right out, though it may hurt you. Against all sophistries he’s wailing; he says the truth should be prevailing, however much that truth may cost you, how- ever greatly it may frost you. Tonight, along the sidewalk narrow, they brought him homeward in a barrow. Two ribs of his had just been broken, for sundry truthful things he'd spoken; his lips were split, three teeth were missing, and he'll have trouble with his kissing. He’s always coming home in sections, and under medical directions, and salves and ointments never quit him, where shoes have bruised and brickbats hit him. In one short week he has more sorrow than I in fifty years could borrow. He speaks his mind, whatever happens, and gets the worst of all his scrappin’s. To keep grim trouble in the distance, I take the line of least resistance. To have enjoyment ever present, I do not say the thing unpleasant. I know that Biffkin is a liar, a strangely gifted falsifier. He comes around and tells me stories about his auto and its glories, how it will climb the steepest mountain—of all untruths he is the fountain. And often, too, against my wishes, he tells me how he caught big fishes; of how, upon a morning drizzly, with his bare hands he killed a grizzly; he has all records dead or dying, I'm sure, in ground and lofty lying. And if I doubted him I'd grieve him; so I let on that I believe him. Now, Smith would say, “ You are a faker; of lies the paten- tee and maker.”” And Bifikin’s large, and skilled in sparring, and Smith would get an awful jarring, and from the strife and dust emergin’, he'd have to seek the nearest surgeon. Oh, life is brief, a fleeting bubble, so let’s be wise and dodge its trouble. ‘I That Noise HAT was that uncarthly noise on your floor last night?” asked the landlady of the winter boarding house for s people, “The Human Pincushion was walking the floor with his baby,” replied the Fire Eater, “‘and stepped on a tack.”” circi The automobile is doing a lot of good in keeping down the size of the wealthy class. AT THE HAIRDRESSER’'S “ JT Madame’s hair is charming, she should not per- mit it to become gray. Madame’s husband does not like the dyed hair? tonic that restores the natural color. bottle for the small size. Many thanks, Madame.” “And if Madame would allow us to give her hair the per- manent wave? Positively Madame’s husband would mistake her for her own daughter. Injure the hair? But no, not as we do it, that is impossible. Twenty-five dollars and guzran- teed to last six months.” “A massage cream is of necessity in the climate Americain, so dry, so dusty. A thousand pardons, it is not expensive when one considers the results. Three dollars a jar and the skin of a new-born child.” “And now a touch of the liquid powder and Madame is as the débutante. It protects the face from the harsh wind.” “Good-day, Madame, it ure to serve the customers who appreciate how we strive always to assist Nature.” —Kate B. Burton This is not a dye, it isa It is only two dollars a Same Old Set “Did you turn over any new leaves this year?” “Nope—I just turned back to January 1, 1914.” of the Fair Green Curse, Golfer, Curse ! HE SUNLIGHT sheens on tricky greens And neck-deep bunkers, pits, and ditches; The golfer slinks across the links And in wild frenzy drives and pitches. Parodies Curse, golfer, curse, set the wild echoes flying! Curse, golfer; answer, echoes, ——! ——!! —-!!! O hark! O hear! Can human ear Endure such language all unshattered? O swift and thin across the whin The air curls blue and burnt and tattered. Curse, till we hear the quarry-hole replying; Curse, golfer; answer, echoes, ! 1 The birdlings die in yon rich sky, They faint o'er hill and field and river; The echoes roll from hole to hole, And leave a blasted track forever! Curse, golfer, curse, set the wild echoes flying! And answer, echoes, answer, —— tt —F. Gregory Hartswick. tt tt comicbooks.