Judge — December 23, 1916 — page 22: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“Blue Bird for Happ iness 9 —} “Quickly flew to fame On the good Repetti name’’ This pretty tradition has been applied to our very newest package. Perhaps you have been plan- ning a gift for some friend. Nothing could more appropri- ately express your sentiment. A leading druggist near you probably has this package. -Or if you prefer, send us $1.00 with forwarding instructions. 520 West 36th Street 30 West 34th Street 50 Broadway BONES IN THE HAND )| “ EJOW MANY bones are tnere in the human hand?” asked my friend : McFee, and when I told him I was no authority on physiology he wery Not physiology, but biology, old man. For I take it that biology i ience which tells one how to buy, and in order to buy one mug have bones—or dollars, or whatever name the wherewithal masquerade, under —in one’s hand. “And now,” he smiled, “I’m perfectly started on the road to telling you more of my thrilling experience in buying the home—my one matte of moment in biology, and especially of bones in the palm. I can now g | back and take things easy, but there was a time when the one grand mg was for money. Of course, I haven’t paid for the house I’m buying, bat the excitement of the first get-together has passed and I can breathe easier knowing just where I stand. You know, the preliminary proceedings ar terrible on the nerves. . “TI was waiting to hear when I should sign the contract to buy. Firy you pay a binder, then comes an additional outlay on a contract, and the you go broke in getting the title. | The law said enough money had to te passed at the signing of the contract to give the agent his commission, though I didn’t know that. Word came on Saturday that Monday was the fatal day and $100 was the sum of money I was to p: “T didn’t have it. But I had a friend with a bank account, and I gota check from him for the amount—a thoroughly good check good for thoroughly good money. It looked all right to me, but O'Bectle told m Saturday night that the deal must, according to law, be transacted in cash O'’Beetle, incidentally, was taking care of me in the deal. “There was no way of my getting the check cashed. O’Beetle didn’t have the money. None of his friends boasted of that much money. None ¢/ my friends ever have money. But O'’Beetle had a bank account. “On Monday,’ he told me, ‘I'll deposit your check and draw out $1 from my account.’ —_ All right; but one thing dawned on me. It lacker,’ week of interest paying time, and he would lose six months’ interest ont amount. And O'Beetle is an economy fan—stirs up hot air on cconomy.* so he called it off. “There was no way of my cashing it at the bank, because no one kne, me, and the friend who had loaned me the check was prevented b; business from going to the bank for me on Monday. “T tell you, I spent a sad Sunday. All day I figured how to convert the check to cash. The idea of having $100 and yet not having it! A most ridic- ulous condition; as ridiculous as the law that demands cash at a time a maa needs money by the truckload. At the time I was tempted to forfeit my binder and stick to the acquisition of rent receipts for the rest of my life. | was never in such a pickle. “Monday morning came. I called up O’Beetle, and we started to sign that contract, with the check still in my pocket. I had picture! what would happen if I didn’t have the cash, and now poured my troubks into one of O'Beetle’s ears—they probably going out of the other, as that is why we have two cars. 1 was a man of woe. “We passed O'Beetle’s bank, then went back to it. For it suddenly occurred to me that, by indorsing it, O’Beetle could get that check casbel without loss to his finances! And he did. “Tt’s great what a head your artful Aloysius ha Suddenly we were lifted out of a rut, where we had been as devoid of i to be married. And the quite, all of our worries could be avoided if we heads—thereby adding to the bones in our hands.” —Artemus Ward Utting Cause for Exodusing “T AM going to leave this cave, which I have occupied for forty yeas or more, and move deeper into the wilderness!” determinedly declareé the hermit. “When I first took possession of this cavern it scemed enough from the haunts of men to satisfy the requirements of the m exacting hermit. For years I was monarch of ail 1 surveyed and wholl content. But two weeks ago there arrived to make me a_nice long vis a second cousin of mine who is also a hermit. And not only that but be has the most radical notions of the ethics of the profession, a insists on hermiting in an entirely different manner from what I do and® deriding my methods and trying to convert me to his'n. So [am abot! to depart as the crow flies for a mo ¢ congenial location.” Optimist—Prosperity? Why, the banks can’t lend their money! New York City 4 Prosperity Panic Pessimist—So my banker told me when I tried to borrow. 35] Lia IB 9. Be ts