Judge, 1916-12-09 · page 16 of 28
Judge — December 9, 1916 — page 16: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
The page contains two distinct elements: **Top Section - "Where Jones Inherited His Famous Stroke":** This is a humorous narrative about a man shopping with a woman named Gerty using an invalid wheelchair in a department store. The joke appears to be that Gerty initially finds this embarrassing ("supremely reproachful"), but gradually finds humor and satisfaction in the experience—treating it as a lark or adventure. The satire mocks both the self-consciousness of public perception and the idea that unconventional shopping methods can become oddly enjoyable. **Bottom Section - Various Short Pieces:** This includes several brief satirical commentary pieces and a poem by Carolyn Wells. These mock domestic life ("Those Domestic Problems"), offering fake wisdom about relationships, gift-giving etiquette, and holiday consumerism. The sulphite poem particularly satirizes excessive Christmas sentimentality and performative gift-giving culture. Overall, the page satirizes early 20th-century middle-class anxieties about propriety, domestic relations, and commercialized holiday customs.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
WHERE JONES When we got out of the taxi the next morning at ten, there they were. “What's this?” exclaimed Gerty. “Get in,” I replied calmly. “Here's a shawl to put over your lay Gerty looked at me supremely re- proachful, and then, the humor of the thing appealing to her, she got in. Be- sides, Gerty is an awfully good sport. I led the way. “The notions counter,” I said to my man. Gerty followed. open for us obsequiously. made way. They had to. At leisure we made our selections. We had to lean forward slightly, but then, that made it more interesting. “Do you know,” said Gerty, « crowd parted slightly around us, I thought you were awful! But really, I don’t mind at all—now.” It grew on her all day. And when we had finished that afternoon at four and were safe home, the dear girl actually put her arms about me as she said: “Wasn’t it splendid! Why, we are fin- I am going to do all nan invalid chair.” The doors were held The crowds Statistics prove that one is the street than in the automobil it doesn't say which street. Suggestion Wasted HE dyspeptic was discussing his ilments. “Worcestershire sauce is very good for the liver,” suggested the man who is addicted to the habit of giving advice. “But I never eat liver,” snapped the dyspeptic. Fooled Those men are fooled who spend for drink The cash they have no right to squander; Those women, too, are fooled who think That scolding makes the heart grow fonder. S. E. Kiser. A Mere Detail Billy—I would lay the world at your feet, but for one thing. Milly—And that is? Billy—Some other people are using it. Those Domestic Problems Hokus—Subbubs is actually more polite to his cook than he is to his wife. Pokus—Oh, it’s easy enough to get wife. His Preference ly wife is undecided whether to buy Christmas gift or spend the money on a trip to her sister's,” said skimpy little Mr. Meek. “Confidentially, 1 would rather have the absent than-the present.” INHERITED HIS FAMOUS STROKE The Sulphite Speaks IFTS for men aren't hard to find! That trite and hackneyed observation Was made by some bromidic mind Possessed of no imagination! It's casy getting gifts for those Who're very rich. They’re just as pleasant About the little thing I chose As any most expensive present. I know just how near Christmas is; I've known it ever since September, It doesn’t make my head just whiz To count up friends I must “remember”! 7 don’t mind shopping crowds that shove, I'm not relieved when it’s all over; I don’t think making things shows love; I don’t think rich folks are in clover. T don’t hate all that wrapping fuss I think it’s quite the proper caper. T haven't any animus Toward holly seals and tissue paper. My friends and I exchange gifts, though It’s not to us a Christmas bargain; And value counts as much, I know, As that vague “Christmas Spirit ” jargon. 7 don’t think all receivers cranks, Nor that each giver is a grafter. And I don’t mind the notes of thanks That T must write the morning after! —Carolyn Wells.