Judge — October 28, 1916 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Pst 1 LONGINGS. D LIKE to be a belted carl, with pedigree majestic; I'd I have a charm for every girl, the foreign and domestic. For well we know that modern girls will turn down ster- ling merit, if they can land some belted earls—statis all declare it. I’d like to be a belted duke, a belted prince or mark: but all such longings are a fluke—no blue blood’s in my carcase! I’m sad, and weary of my grind; I’d like to be a preacher; for every one is good and kind to that uplifting creature. While I am peddling dippy pomes, and walking on my uppers, the preacher goes to cozy homes, and tackles chicken suppers. If 1 go to a farmer’s shack and ask him for a sinker, a lot of wood I have to whack, and labor like a tinker. But if the pastor ambles there, with joy the women greet him; they lead him to the casy chair, and to fried chicken treat him. Oh, nothing is too rich or good or costly for the pastor; while I am sawing knotty wood, and sweating fast and faster. I'd like to be a millionaire, and have the rich man’s guerdon; though moralists may preach, and swear that riches are a bur- den, I feel quite sure it’s better far (though such thoughts may seem shocking) to travel in a motor car than be forever walking. All day I tramp the dreary street, to gain an honest nickel; I’m wearing out my trusty feet, and 1am ina pickle. I see the idle rich go by, in cars that whiz like thunder; and you'll forgive me if I sigh, and wish I had their plunder. * Ah, put such longings on the shelf, for thoughts like these are yellow; I'm really glad I am myself, and not some other fellow. For while I envy t’other chap, who drifts into my doubt he thinks [ have a snap, and that my life The Bright Side ééTT WAS indeed terrible,” we said, “to have the dyna blow the other man into small pieces and the Great Beyond and you yourself almost into the middle of the subse- quent week, instead of blowing out the stump which you were desirous of eradicating from the hillside.” “Yes,” he replied, “but it was not as bad as it might have been. You see, he was telling a funny story that I had heard many times before, and the explosion came just when I should have been compelled to laugh heartily or have him sulk all the rest of the afternoon.” It Depends “When do you cover your furniture?” “Depends upon how much company we have.” THEIR PROBABLE INFERENCE “ MET a group of about a dozen persons down the road, I apparently greatly perturbed and running for their lives,” said a motorist who had halted his car in front of Gap Johnson’s gate, to inquire the way to Torpidity. “What was the cause of their actions?” “Well,” replied the best-known citizen of Rumpus Ridge. Ark., “them’s some of my wife's kinfolks that have been mak- ing us a nice long vi interspersed with eating us out of house and home, differing with me on politics, religion, the manage- ment of children and dogs, and several other little matters, and borrowing my money and wearing my clothes—such of ‘em as were created by nature for that purpose—and so on and so forth. I got sorter tired of it after a while, and when wife ‘lowed I ort to give ’em a hint I incidentally cracked down on the bunch of ‘em with my gun, and says I, ‘I don’t want to hurt your feelings, nor nuth’n’ that-a-way, but if the last con- taminated one of you ain’t off’m the place in five minutes I'll fill you so full of holes that your hides won’t hold anything thinner than hazel brush.’ I reckon they thought they wasn’t wanted.” Ambiguous Blondine—Did you say Bennie Beanbrough married a model young woman? Brunetta—I said he married a young woman model “Mother, will you please buy me the cake with the embroidery on it?” comicbooks: com