Judge, 1916-10-14 · page 14 of 28
Judge — October 14, 1916 — page 14: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
**"Bum Bizness"** satirizes rural store proprietors' chronic incompetence and laziness. A tourist couple asks a backwoods storekeeper for basic supplies (pins, pens, paper, scissors, buttons, pencils). He's perpetually "jist out" of everything, having sold his last stock weeks or months prior, always promising to reorder "soon" but never following through. The joke mocks how such stores failed customers through sheer negligence—the proprietor blames customers for buying things rather than himself for not restocking. This reflects early-20th-century frustrations with rural commerce and small-business inefficiency. The other brief items are unrelated humor: "Had His Doubts" jokes about a wealthy man's delusions; "Insurance" is wordplay about collecting insurance; and the taxi cartoon shows a wife calm despite dangerous driving by a criminal—the implied punchline being she's too nervous to react further.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
“BUM BIZNESS” HE tourist and his wife motoring across the country dis- covered as they neared a little backwoods hamlet of half a dozen houses that there were several things they needed and they thought that they might find them in the one small store in the place. They found the proprietor dozing comfortably on an old and lumpy lounge in the back part of the store. When aroused he stretched his long lean arms above his head and yawned until his sallow jaws cracked before he asked, “What's wanted?” ‘Have you any pins and needles?” “Naw, I’m jist out. I'll have some in by the end 0’ the month.” “Have you any writing pens?” “I did have las’ week, but I’m jist out now. Will have some in before long.” “Have you any writing paper?” “I'm jist out o' that. Sold the last "bout a week ago. I'm goin’ to order some soon.” “Have you such a thing asa small pair of scissors? My wife has lost the pair we brought with us.”” “I'm jist out 0° scissors. I had three pairs a month ago and sold the last pair Sat’day. If I'd knowed you was comin’ I'd of kep’ 'em for you.” “ Have you any small bone or pearl buttons?” “I'm jist out o’ them, too. I had three hull cards of ‘em early in the spring but a woman come along and grabbed up the last half dozen about a month ago. I been thinkin’ 0’ orderin’ more but ain’t got ‘round to it.” “Well, have you lead pencils?” old the last one I had about three weeks ago. That's the trouble 0’ kecpin’ a store, by heck! Don’t no more than git stocked up when folks come along an’ grab up things an’ you got the bother o° gittin’ in more. I had six good jackknives in my showcase two months ago, an’ where are they now? All grabbed up! Sold two of 'em in one week! That's the devil of tryin’ to run a store an’ I'm goin’ to git out of it an’ go into something that'll keep folks from comin’ at you all the time an’ kickin’ up a fuss because you ain't got what they bum bizness, this keepin’ store is, by heck —Max Merryman. 0 Ism The most successful ism is schism. That's where all other isms seem to end sooner or later. +f\ Proved Disastrous He—And another thing about Dudeleigh—he’s very credu- lous. That’s the reason his moncy didn’t last any longer than it did. She—Indeed? He—Yes. Somebody told him he could make love to two girls on less than he could court one. Had His Doubts Henderson—Money made Proudleigh what he is. Williamson—Yes, I know, Henderson; but I don’t suppose there is enough money in the world to make him what he thinks he is. Insurance “Honesty is the best policy.” “That may be, but your widow cannot collect on it.” ams WHY DOES YOUR WIFE HAVE SPASHS OF NERYOUS- [Faa> —and on a crowded street in a cilap‘dated taxi driven by a reckless ex-convict with two homicides to his credit, she looks as contented as this ?