Judge — September 16, 1916 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THANK the girls who turned me down, long years ago, when youth was mine, the damsels of my native town, whose eyes like diamonds used to shine. And they had bright and winsome smiles, their checks with roses were abloom, and they had all the gentle wiles which lead the springald to his doom. Well I recall the sweet Lenore, who seemed an angel from above; I sang all night, before her door, “Oh, come with me and be my love!” She was the first who turned me down; she wished a man who'd conquer fame, and, though I'd never gain renown, she'd be my sister just the same. Oh, gentle reader, how I wept, when by this maiden I was canned! For weeks I neither ate nor slept, but roamed dis- tracted through the land. I saw her just the other day, and she was roasting trifling males; I dare not guess how much she'd weigh, if she were on the city scales. I saw her on the market- place, where she discussed her right to vote; and Arthur Middleton, the bass, could scarcely strike a deeper note. I stood around with other gents to hear the worthy matron rave, and gave her husband fifteen cents to buy his gifted wife a shave. And I remember lovely Nell, the boast and beauty of our town; for years she was the reigning belle. turned me down. Ah, friends, it was a bitter blow, I well re the fateful day; my soul was so surcharged with woe, I felt my sideboards turning gray. And I extracted little cheer, when she expressed this kindly thought, ‘I'll always be your sister dear,” for sisters do not hit the spot. She went and married Jasper Jones, who now is weary, bent and thin; she always blew his hard-earned bones as fast as he could rake them in. And every day, upon the street, in every quarter of the town, some rather rusty dame I meet, who in my springtime turned me down. And ever, as I go my way, the heart within me gay and glad, I shake hands with myself and say, “You surely were the lucky lad!” Hers Alone Grandma—Woman has the one supreme privilege which is hers, and hers alone. No man may share it with her. Bessie—I know, dear—our alimony. Men’s clothes to cost twenty per cent. more next year? An All Wise Providence removed Anthony Comstock just when it did. THE NOTION COUNTER OME MEN live to a ripe old age because they have noth- S ing else to do. When your father was a boy he was always looking at his biceps, not his wrist. I consider a porter who wakes me an hour too early my mortal enemy and show him no quarter. If some women could only see how they look when they try to look charming. I like strangers about as well as a bulldog does. La Paloma of peace is having a hard time finding a place to light. There is a time for all things. impossible to make love with a cold. There is a novel in every houschold. I dislike the man who begins a statement with the first personal pronoun. There is only one thing better than a lot of acquaintances, and that is a few friends. You don’t have to be a musician to appreciate a hurdy- gurdy. In fact, you mustn't be. There ought to be some law to correct such things a multimillionaire or a fellow with a girl on each arm. None of the impresari I ever knew looked like an impresario. If there is anything in the world casier to make than a mis- take it is an excuse. Cupid drives a car without a brake. For example, it is almost Douglas Malloch. His Proper Place “I've transferred Flubdub to your jurisdiction.” ‘What sort of a worker is he? What can he do?” “Well, he’s rather an unknown quantity.” “An unknown quantity, ch? Very good in Department X.” Tl put him Customer—I'll pay you for this drink Saturday. when I get paid. I'm working over in the munitions factory making ammunition for the Germans. Saloonkeeper—For the Germans? How do you get it over there? Customer—Why, we send it to the English and they shoot it over.