Judge — August 26, 1916 — page 23: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

CATECHISM FOR WIVES RS. TWITT had not spoken for a good twenty minutes: her jaw was set anything but serenely, as Mr. Twitt had not failed to no- ce, the while her pen went sometimes spasmodically, sometimes steadily, “scratch, scratch, scratch-ety scratch” on foolscap paper. “Woman,” he said, at last, with fairly well repressed fury—Do you expect to divorce me after you have driven me insane?” “T had not decided,” she icily answered; “indeed, I have been some years without arriving at a decision.” Mr. Twitt bristled at the implication, but asked, in a well feigned tone of paternal interest, ‘“‘what were you writing so industriously, Little One?” “A catechism for wives.” “yes?” “Yes.” “I—h-m—beg to be informed.” “Care to hear?” she asked. “Thanking you!” So Mrs, Twitt read: “Question I.—What constitutes a good wife, in the eyes of most men? “*Answer.—A creature without tastes, mind, reason or soul of her own who is expected to shout Hallelujah and Amen to everything her Husband says, or thinks, or thinks he says, or says he thinks, Two Hundred and Twelve times a day.’” Mrs. Twitt paused for breath. Mr. Twitt folded his hands in anguish and said, “‘ Very Good, Eddie—Ve-ry Good.’” Mrs. Twitt beamed brightly, and continued: “Question II.—What is the first duty of a wife, in the eyes of most men? “*Answer.—To be a door mat for her husband and his friends.’”” “Referring no doubt,” said Mr. Twitt, in a tone of restrained gayety, “Referring, quite doubtless, to the fact that I brought Wilson home to dinner with me last evening, and afterward went out with him.” “<Question IIL.’"”—(snapped Mrs. Twitt)—“‘When one’s husband comes home at 1 a.m. bearing upon his breath the fumes of alcoholic liquor, or liquors, and refuses to state where he has been, for what purpose, or anything whatsoever which a right minded and proper and self- wife ought naturally to inquire about, what is said wife ¢ “‘Answer.—Weep throughout the night in silence, rise to a cheerless day, and yet ever be ready to praise said Husband as the most glorious man that the ages have produced.’” “Gertrude,” said Mr. Twitt. “Well?” “You please me—you have the Literary Touch!” “Tam so glad, Darling!” “That you are glad, gladdens me inexpressibl lighting igar and waving it gracefully, Mrs. Twitt was on the verge of tears, but stood firm as Gibraltar at the Verge. “Question IV.—What should a wife do when she feels that she can no longer endure the inhuman and fearful treatment——’” “Write a catechism!” interrupted Twitt. “You asked me to read this,” remarked Mrs. Twitt “Go on, Dear Heart, go on!” “T won't,” said Mrs. Twitt. “All right, you won't “Very well.” She folded up the document, arose and was about to leave the library when Mr. Twitt queried: “I don’t suppose you happen to know that I pulled off a deal with Wilson last night that will give us a ct?” * said Mr. Twitt, new “Yes, I did.” “Willie! tt” Inexperienced Mrs. Torkins—Johnny’s composition spoke of “long protracted years,” and the teacher objected to it. She said one year was no more protracted than another. Mrs. Neverdone—Single lady, I suppose? Egg View Notes Tink Nitz and Dow Ludlum engaged in an awful wrangle in front of the grocery Wednesday night, It all started when Tink said he’d narrowly escaped getting hit by an up-to-dater automobile than Dow had. —Leslie Van Every. It is the liberal minded man of moderate habit to whom this coun- try owes its greatest debt. And so it is the moderate man whom we are proudest to have as a custo- mer for a remarkably mild and mellow Whiskey — Wilson — Real Wilson—That’s All! The Whiskey for which we invented the Non-Refillable Bottle FREE CLUB RECIPES—Free booklet of famous club recipes for mixed drinks. Address Wilson, 315 Fifth Ave., N.Y. That's All! “ z = = If you can draw a little and want to draw better, you have an opportunity to learn at small expense to yourself. EUGENE ZIMMER- MAN has anestablished reputation as a car- toonist. He has put some of the tricks of his trade into a book, “CARTOONS AND CARICATURES” bound neatly in 34 mo- rocco, which will be sent to you prepaid on re- lB of the present spe- a SRO i | cial price of $1.00. ; i ZIM BOOK i i 225 Fifth Avenue i | 8-26 Brunswick Building New York City i