Judge, 1916-05-06 · page 18 of 28
Judge — May 6, 1916 — page 18: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains multiple short satirical pieces typical of early-20th-century humor magazines. **"The Colonel's Daughter"** jokes about a society woman whose name was misprinted in newspaper coverage of her grand party—a mild jab at both newspaper incompetence and the vanity of the wealthy. **"Some Don'ts to be Done"** is ironic advice that inverts conventional wisdom (e.g., "Don't marry in haste to repent at leisure. Get a divorce early"; "Don't hit a man when he is down. Kick him"). It satirizes both modern permissiveness and the era's increasing acceptance of divorce. **"The Early-Blooming Congressman"** mocks congressmen for sending out free seeds to constituents as self-promotion—a common patronage practice of the era. **"Prosperity Note"** references ammunition plants operating "full blast," likely referencing World War I industrial production (U.S. involvement 1917-1918), suggesting economic boom tied to war manufacturing. The remaining pieces are light domestic humor about marriage, begging, and gardening. The overall tone is gentle mockery of American manners and politics.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
THE COLONEL’S DAUGHTER Oh, Bitter Spite! HE give a great function, but woe Has driven ber gladness av The newspapers, if you must know, Misprinted her name the next day. —S. E. Kiser. Spring in the Country LOVE the springtime, With its soft winds and its apple blos- soms, Don’t gamble Don’t steal. of a lawyer. Don’t use slang. Cut it out. Don't play bridge. Work i Don’t loan money. Borrow it. Don’t spend money foolishly. Have a charge account. Don’t go broke. Stay broke and get used to it. Don’t think before you act. Do as stage people do. Don’t get stuck on yourself. Be too conceited for that, at least. Don’t swear by your friends. Swear at them. Don’t borrow motor-car. Don’t lose your health. Shoot the doctor. Don’t worry. Bet on acertainty Hire the right kind trouble. Buy a Die. —W. J. Lampton Quick Blaze—Soon Out Mrs. Hennessy, a bride, be tween sobs had told of the first quarrel. “Matches is all alike,” philo- sophically condoled Mrs. Hogan. “Strike th’ love match, an’ it blazes up in a fine flame; an’ thin—poof!—it’s out. It just lasts long enough to light a fire in th’ cookstove.”” The Early-Blooming Congressman I know the winter's over now Although no robins sing; The congressmen are sending seeds The one best sign of spring. The Progressive F I had lived in Fourteen-ninety-two I'd have been one to help Columbus through ; U would have backed the Genoan for a win, And aided in the plight that he was in. T would have given freely of my stock, And kept Queen "Bella’s jewels out of hock; I would have Christopher will make good!" That is, I think I would. If I should live till Nineteen-ninety-nine I would be standing in the foremost line; I'd not be fogyish, moss-backed, old—not I! “Reactionary!” ne'er should be the cry Directed to my address. I would see That old things change, and newer things must be; T would cry “On!” as loudly as I could— That is . . . I think I would. F. Gregory Hartswick Prodigal Old lady—My poor man! for you. Polite beggar—Can't you make it two, madam? Old lady—What would you do with two cents? Polite begear—I'd buy a stamp and mail you an acknowledgment, madam. Eti- quette forbids me using a post-card. Here is a cent Her Reason Mrs. Dyer—If your husband mistreats you, why don’t you get a divorce Mrs. Ryer—I don’t believe he could pay the alimony to which I have been ac customed. An ingenue is a girl who knows better but lets nobody know it Alas! And dear me! There is always so much work to be done. Hotbeds, coldframes, Early crinkled peas and late peas, Raising annu:; And digging in expensive ferti- lizer. Oh! Those pests, Grubworms, cutworms, bugs, and aphis. Caterpillars,—Ouch Thave an anticipatory backache. After all Winter is not really so unpleas- ant.—Kate B. Burton. Some Don'ts to be Done Don't before they are hatched. the eggs. Don't marry in haste to repent at leisure. Get a divorce early. Don’t hit a man when he is down. Kick him rose- count your chickens Sell Chew. Forget it. Don’t smoke. Don't lie. Naan * PROSPERITY NOTE Ammunition plants are running full blast comicbooks.com