Judge — April 29, 1916 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

CLEANING WALT MASON mops and such appliance: busy cleaning house. I'm a melancholy exile, till her grewsome task is done; I am seated in the cowshed—other refuge haye I nor Oh, the annual house-cleaning—who invented such a scheme? There are soapsuds in the parlor and the hall is full of steam; there are pools of liquid water scattered over all the floors, and the womenfolk are scrubbing all the windows and the doors. When the soapfest isn’t going, I've some standing in my home; I’m as bossy and important as a senator of Rome, and the women pay attention to the pregnant things I say, and I seem the fount of wisdom when my larynx is in play. In my little stucco mansion I’m the giver of the laws, I’m expounder of the statutes, just as Colonel Moses was But when spring again is with us, after winter’s three-months’ souse, and the womenfolk get busy at their cleaning of the house. I, the legal lord and master, much resemble twenty cents, and this needs no explanation to the mob of married gents. I am banished from the parlor, I am exiled from my den, till they’re done with suds and water I can’t use the house again. I am seated in the cowshed, eating cold and clammy beans, and I'm sighing for my slippers and my pipe and magazines. And the cow is looking at me, as she chews the wholesome hay; being dumb, she cannot prattle, but her actions seem to say, ‘Oh, such language as you're using every moral critter scorns, and your pyrotechnic cusswords give me fantods in my horns!” SENTIMENTALITY ENTIMENTALITY isa kind of artificial coloring matter. Just asa plateful of pink (grade Eskimmed milk, chemically flavored) passes for strawberry, so a magazineful of pink (same formula) passes for romance. Without this adventitious glamour many of the sugary concoctions now served up to the public would seem as flat as stale toothpaste. Some people find this tinge very convenient. To them it makes the most drab things seem tolerable. ‘We'd rather not know what this really is," they say, ‘for if we did, we mightn’t like it as well. Besides, there are enough unpleasant things in this world, without our needing to add to them by analyzing something we enjoy.”” And so, thinking the thoughts they like to think, they batten on coal tar and cochineal. But some of us would like to know what goes into our physical and mental stomachs. We wish that the pure food experts who censor the advertisements in many of the popular magazines might be given a chance at the fiction. —Lawton Mackall, I] AM seated in the cowshed, for my energetic spouse, with her BIG TOWN GOSSIP THERE IS one thing I never have been able to believe, and that is that men really get money for “managing” prize-fighters. Styles in short stories change about as fast as anything. A few years ago, when the O. Henry abbreviated style of story was in demand, one could read a yarn all the way through before getting home on the streetcar. | But now a short story will last one almost a week on trips to and from the office. What has become of the old-fashioned woman who used to clean her gloves with benzine just before going to a concert? The spirit of economy is really strong in a woman when she will take a $6,000 limousine downtown in a snowstorm in order to buy ten cents’ worth of parsnips and save two cents thereon. The inventor of the automobile tire was evidently indulging in humor of the broadest sort when he shaped the thing like a life preserver. Thirty years ago such a subject as The Psychology of Salesman- ship was unheard of. Yet a good many store owners managed to make enough sales so they could retire on comfortable fortunes. Every newspaper headline writer should be dignified with the title of Professor. They are the real educators of the Big Town public. The crusade for the revival of the market-basket style of shop- ping was not altogether the most futile thing ever started. There were one or two crusades more futile, but just at this time I cannot remember what they were. The man who got up the idea of drawing border lines between countries certainly did a lot for the institution of war. Big Town children will be glad when the airship era comes. They can return to their playground in the strect, with the auto- mobile and the streetcar both in the discard. If one wants to while away an hour or two in the Big Town, let him hunt for a mail box. —Arthur Chapman. The Same Result Haman set the first altitude record. It was only fifty cubits, but the result was about the same, as far as he was concerned. STARTLING DEVELOPMENTS Amateur photographer—O-o-h, dad! don’t let that light in here! You'll spoil everything ! comicbooks.com