Judge — April 1, 1916 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

CARPIO fa * (1916 Model) HE WARRIOR bowed his crested head, and tamed his heart of fire, and sued His Royal Nibs to free his long imprisoned sire. “T bring thee here the title deeds to forty versts of land, so turn my festive parent loose—too long has he been canned! I bring thee here © mortgage on my cottage and my cow; I lay it humbly at thy lease my father now!” ok up the road, del Carpio,” his nibs, the kinglet, cried; uddy comes on yonder steed, with vassals at his side!” ardo looked, and sure enough, his dad was riding there, {le of a foaming steed, and with a noble air. Then nearer 1e cavalcade until it was at hand, the father riding at the fore, iughty mien and grand. The son looked at his sightless eyes, upon his frozen grin, and saw the ghastly truth at once—his father had cashed in! As stricken dumb Bernardo stood; and then he fiercely screeched, “Well, I'll be blinked and doubly blanked! The limit has been reached!" He turned upon that traitor king, and seized his bridle rein; the monarch tried to break away; his trying was in vain. Bernardo seized him by the nose, and gave his ear a biff, and sternly brought them face to face, the kinglet and the stiff. “That I should meet my father here, was fully understood, and you produce this worthless corpse and say it’s just as good! You are a piker and a fraud, a lop-eared, sway-backed fake! You give me horizontal pains! You make my whiskers ache! I'll let you know where you get off! You make me tired, by jings! A man could take ten cents and buy a gross of better kings! Now, chase yourself, you cheap reproach to sceptres, crowns and thrones, and ere you do another thing, you plant my father’s bones!” Bernardo punched the monarch’s head, and lammed him with his sword, and ere a hand could stay his flight, departed in his Ford. But after that he lost his pep; his life seemed all in vain; and ne’er again he put up grass among the hills of Spain. A Sad Fact What we need in this sad world is not greater equality of opportunity, but a more stable equilibrium in labor. We either have nothing at all to do, and starve to death, or have too much to do and work ourselves to death, until the chief aim of man would seem to be merely to shufile off this mortal coil. His Source of Inspiration “Yes, Grubb was one of the most learned men of the age. His last article in the Wrinkled Brow Monthly, entitled ‘A Psy- chological Analysis of Gastric Enjoyment,’ was widely quoted.” “Ah! And what caused his untimely death?” “Starvation.” The Husband HAT the husband should be trained and not broken is the firm belief of Miss Anna List, the celebrated lady psychologist, who vows she will never marry while in love. Dr. List has col- lected extensive data in regard to the establishing of dominant personalities in the home. Most of the facts she has obtained at first hand from the undisputed possessors of dominant personalities themselves. “The husband,” says Anna List, “in common with other beasts of burden, should be handled very gently at first. He should be taught one, and only one, thing at a time. He should become well accustomed to harness before being urged violently to the accom- plishment of the severer menial tasks of the household. “Many wives ruin an otherwise sensible and unobtrusive hus- band by trying to break his spirit too soon. In the undomesticated state the inexperienced husband is naturally sportive and liberty- loving, and his instincts all tend to make him refractory and antago- nistic toward female supervision. Attempts at justifiable coercion are, in the early stages of matrimony, almost sure to be met with a vicious stubbornness that is much more likely to grow than to diminish. “A wise mixture of cajolery, coaxing, contempt, independence and persistent firmness seems to secure the best results in training a husband. Young wives should proceed slowly. They should study the temperaments of the men whose natures they have chosen to exploit. Firmness and persistence are sure to be crowned with success.” —H.W. Dee. Lost! “What ‘has become of that daughter of yours who went on the stage, M aginnis?” we inquired of our laundress. “Och—wirra, wirra!” cricd the poor woman, bursting into tears. ‘We nivver mintion pore Biddy’s naame anny more, Ma’am. She married benayth her. She run off wit wan o’ thim lazy lizards iv the Smart Set!” A MOVE FOR PEACE The Club Members present the Champion Bore with the latest thing from France in the way of a gas mask. comicbooks.com