Judge, 1916-02-12 · page 8 of 28
Judge — February 12, 1916 — page 8: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains a romantic narrative with social commentary typical of early 20th-century Judge humor. **Main Story**: A man (Amethyst Jones) recounts his doomed courtship of Magnolia Lee, a Southern belle. He believed she loved him, but she married a rival suitor (Sam Ross) instead—allegedly to protect Jones from being killed by Sam in a duel. The joke is the absurd logic: the woman chose the man who would "sooner or later" kill her suitor, framing this as an act of love. **Social Satire**: The story mocks Southern romantic codes and male pride. The narrator's emotional self-indulgence contrasts with the woman's pragmatic ruthlessness. The ending moral—"When a woman won't she will, unless her mother says she shall"—suggests women's autonomy despite appearing passive. **Small Cartoon**: A child playing soldiers calls it "the Salvation Army," satirizing how children reframe military play as charity work. The overall tone suggests skepticism toward romantic sentimentality and Southern courtship conventions.
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Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
the most charming and beautiful creature I ever had seen. Her hair le gold; her complexion like dawn; her eyes sleepy stars; her form sylph-like. She crossed her dainty feet at the edge of her white skirt, and gazed at me with her wonderful eyes. ‘Ah have a headaik,’ said she; ‘yo’ caint treat me, Ah don’t reckon?’ “T reckoned that I could. I felt her pulse. It was less rapid than my own. I got a glass of wa- ter (for myself). I administered a tablet (to her). She became better. We discoursed. She spoke of the Manatee River. I proposed that we go row- ing. She demurred. ‘But—Ah might go this ev’nin’,’ she said. “You can understand that when I met Magnolia Lee, the Sheriff’s daugh- a’s dock that afternoon at three, I was in an enviable autiful with a headache, she was ravishing ter, at her own pa frame of mind. If she had been t without. “My soul was exalted. All that glorious afternoon, on the sun-lighted, shimmering waters of the queenly Manatee soul was lifted up because of Magnolia. I recall that there came a little water into the boat which had the audacity to creep toward Magnolia’s dainty fect. Unpleasant We And how adorably charming was Magnolia! I decided that the very least homage I could pay her was a supreme love. I mentioned this, after the sun had gone down and the brief Florida twilight had fled into the purple night Can you believe me when I tell you, that in return she granted me the un- speakable t ure of her everlasting love? A star-gemmed Eden was mine, s she lay with her head that once had ached upon my beating heart, my rms clasped tightly about her, and the night winds sighing, sweeping, dy- ing, sighing. My engagement to be married to sweet Magnolia Lee, the Sheriff's daughter, was a perfect fat Amethyst Jones picked up his empty liqueur glass and gazed wonder- ingly at it. He removed his eye-glasses. Perhaps there was a suspicion of moisture in his eyes. “Gentlemen, I regret to say that complications arose. No, not on account of the sheriff; rather because of some of his clients. Of course a girl so superlatively beautiful as Magnolia had other suitors. When I became engaged to her two of these were out of town. They returned at about the same time and one —on account of Magnoli The office boy—I wisht there'd be a flood, or = earthquake, or somethin’, so I could save her life at the risk of me own! Hi David! you know you are not to play with your soldiers on the Sabbath. Col. Dacid—But I'm playing that this is the Salvation Army. f them shot the other dead it was said “A man who loves must be willing to fight. I was willing. I did not flinch. The remaining suitor knew that [ did not flinch. One day 1 suddenly took away his gun and knocked him down. He was a worth- less fellow, in no way worthy of Magnolia. Yet she mar- ried him!” “Great Heavens! After you had knocked him down?” “That's true,” said Ame- thyst. “Sometimes I think you never can tell for sure about a woman; and the South- ern code is peculiar; and Mag- nolia was a wonderful girl.” A deep silence fell upon us. “Amethyst, do you believe she loved him ‘ot as she loved me,” he said. After the wedding she wrote me a little note. She explained that she had married Sam Ross because she knew he would ‘sure get’ me sooner or later if she didn’t marry him!” —Fred. Ladd. Whena woman won't she will, unless her mother says she shall. comicbooks.com