Judge — October 9, 1915 — page 17: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

His better half—John, if you were half a man you would lift me over. Welcome and Twice Welcome LD HOME week dawned fair and warmer with possible showers in Petertown. The old homes were all ready for the festivities, joyous in bunting, the front yards freshly scythed, and waiting the arrival of the old homers, the first casterly contingent of which was due on the 9:14 accommodation. The posters advertising the ball game on Wednesday between the married men and the grocery clerks were all up, as was the entire populace. Who's Who in Petertown was out in force, in bug- gies and in automobiles, to greet the 9:14 and what it brought. The Knights of Pythias military band was tuning up, and the committees, whose ensemble and Who’s Who in Petertown were synonymous, were as busy as anything in Petertown consist- ently could be. Jonas and Malachi Finookin were not members of Who’s Who in Petertown, yet, as editors and proprietors of the only gasolene vehicle conveying passengers from the depot to the town hall for a nickel, they had hope of becoming, immediately after the arrival of the 9:14, as busy as any member of any committee, indicating that the industrious ant, in a matter of a few minutes, would take on the appearance of a sloth in a post- Prandial doze, by comparison. The 9:14 tooted beyond the curve south of the sash and blind factory. The reception committee shuffled uncas in new and shiny shoes. Malachi Finookin opened the door of the bus, shining and immaculate from its early morning wash. Jonas Finookin took a final look under the hood to relieve his nervous- ness. The 9:14 pulled in. The crowd more than came up to expectations. The Who's Who stepped forward with outstretched hands. Others who were not who watchéd enviously from the outskirts of the throng. Not so Jonas and Malachi. Though not who, they too stepped forward, smiling in grecting and anticipation. ‘‘Welcome,” they said as one, to the first passenger off the train. “Welcome to our jitney.” —E. K. Herrick. Between the scales on a fish and a fish on the scales, there’s all the Izaak Walton. Apology for Dancing HEN in the minuet of old The dancers moved to tones of gold From stately harpsichords, What was it that so sfrongly drew From castle, hall, and palace too Ladies and belted lords? And later, when the dreamy waltz, With all its sentimental faults, Delighted hearts by scores, “Twas thought no dance expressed so wel! The dreams Romance delights to tell, A-glide on polished floors. But now more sprightly ambulation Is A la mode: the Hesitation, The Tango's dip and swing; These are the débutantes to-day, These daughters of Terpsichore, ‘These Graces on the wing! Ob, minuet, waltz, and tango gay, You passing passions of a day! You represent the same Emotion in the race profound, For which expression must be found, And doubtless—Love's the name! —Dixie Wolext Unseemly Haste Joy Rider (stopped by rural constable)— Haven’t we got any rights left in this coun- try? Doesn't the constitution guarantee us life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness? Constable—It don’t guarantee no man the pursuit of happiness at 90 miles an hour An Arborologist Mr. Jolly—1 know what sort of a tree your family tree would be, Miss Polly. Miss Polly (expecting him to say, “a peach tree”)—Tee Hee! What sort of a tree, Mr Jolly? Mr. Jolly—A Nut tree. Ha! Ha! “Will you please stand up straight, mister, so we can get the goat past?” comicbooks.com