Judge, 1915-08-21 · page 8 of 28
Judge — August 21, 1915 — page 8: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This piece satirizes rural American religious debate through exaggerated dialectal humor. The setting appears to be a country store where men argue about biblical interpretation—specifically whether John the Baptist ate locusts or grasshoppers, and whether Balaam's ass was real. The satire targets two things: (1) **uneducated men confidently disputing scripture** they barely understand, and (2) **resistance to modern Bible translations** ("them revisers"). The characters' thick dialect and malapropisms ("argefyin'" for "arguing") mock rural ignorance while suggesting that textual accuracy matters less than stubbornness. The accompanying short pieces ("Life's Contrarities," "Amendments") offer cynical observations on marriage and modern life, typical Judge magazine fare—particularly the final item mocking wives who only care about husbands' paychecks. The overall tone is gentle mockery of rural types, common in early-20th-century urban magazines.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
The Bull s a Bull. The Bull isa male ru- minant; specifically, a he cow. The a historical animal, He has been n in the cattle Bull worshiped in Egypt, thi country, fought in Mexico and Spain, and canned in Chicago, The E ns called him Apis and built temples to him, but bull worship was not a profitable business, as all the Egyptians who followed the bull are either dust or mummies and have be for centuries. On the other hand, the bull has made a flock of mill so the live ones everywhere have adopted the Western id and pretty generally can the Bull. Don’t be a bull thr —M Life’s Contrarities Love is a poem, yet it is not always returned with thanks. The man who is a law unto himself wants to be one to his neighbors also. War affects all human rela- tions, yet war is not affection, but disaffection. A Great Convenience “What are the wild waves say- ing?"* Asked his better half. “We'll never be able to tell, dear, Without a dictograph."* Amendments “Could you be satisfied with love inac * he asked. “Surely,"* said she. ‘'If it were at Palm Beach in the win- ter, at Pasadena in the spring, at Newport in the summer, and at Lenox in the autumn. Many a couple whose mar- riage nobody expected tobe a success live happy ever after in the bonds of alimony. Argefyin’ Ny “Ole Zoph Snow,"’ said Deacon Soame: referring to the town supervisor, z stubberner'n a mewel."* leetle sot,"" a but y’ kin allus convince ‘im thet 'e ez right."” “Zoph ain't nigh s* contrairy ez ‘is brother Isrul,"" remarked Jehiel Slocum, who had dropped into Soames's store to watch Deacon Peleg and his doughty antag- onist, Mr. Pike, finish their nightly bout at checkers. “Isrul ez opin t’ be Ozias Pike. ‘I got ‘im U admit wrong, t’other day. “Thet ain't li Isrul,"" “Wrat wuz y’ argefyin’ "bout?”? “Bout you, Jehiel,"? rejoined “Tsrul'd ben allowin’ thet y’ air most ez smart’s y’ think y’ be." The laugh at Mr. Slocum's expense hav- ing subsided, Mr. Pike went on, Pother day, Zoph ‘n? Isrul got t? arge- fyin’ th’ Scripter. Them locuses thet John th’ Baptis’ et, erlong o° th’ wild honey, Zoph ‘e ‘lows wair grassh' pers. “*They wa'n't nothin’ o° th’ kin’, se: Deckin Isrul, ‘There y’ go a sented Uncle convicted,"” said © wuz aid Jehiel. Ozias. phar, *e, ‘a-wrastlin’ th’ Scripter t’ yer own d'struckshin.’ Takin’ up wi’ them revisers 'n’ new thoughters, be ye, Isrul?’ sez ole Zoph. ‘Hell ez paved wi’ good translashins ALBERT EB. th’ Scripter Hoyt *Y’ put me 'n min’ 0° Balaim, Zoph,' sez Isrul. *Y" "mind me efied weth,” sez “*Meanin’ th’ jac chuckled Deacon “That'd orter hol’ Isrul fer a th’ critter thet Balaim Oph." “Not so's y'd git tired waitin’, said Uncle Oz “Ole Isrul he up 'n’ sez, ***Mebbe y’ don’t b'lieve no wha-il swal- lered Jony?" ***T du," sez Zophar. sez Isrul, ‘seein’ ez th’ taown swallers ye ez sooperviser ! “LT heered ‘em argefy ‘bout th’ 'Postil Paul,"’ said Deacon Soa “+ Paul wuz married," *e tell o’ th’ thorn en ‘is flesh?" ***Paul wuz a ole bach,’ sez Zophar. *Y* dern fule, wudn't a married man know more’n t' tell th’ wimmin t' keep still?’ "" “Don't Wasted Exertion —So he figures that he didn’t learn as much in college as he expected? Ned—No wonder. He failed to. make even one of the minor leagues. Satisfied Not a word does wifey write From the mountain inn; She thinks that hubby is all right, s the checks come in.