Judge, 1915-07-31 · page 8 of 28
Judge — July 31, 1915 — page 8: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This Judge magazine page contains three distinct pieces of satirical humor: **"Elsa, the Speed Queen"** (main story with illustrations): A comedic narrative about a woman athlete named Elsa who uses flirtation to distract opposing players during sports competitions. The joke culminates when she becomes engaged to a man named Phreddy during a romantic beach walk—only to discover he's already married. The "moral" satirizes unpredictability: even skilled operators ("the Best of them") can fail unexpectedly. **"The Other One"** (poem): A humorous lament about romantic frustration—the speaker loves one woman who doesn't return his affection, while an unloving woman loves him. It satirizes the cruel ironies of attraction and incompatibility. **Bottom section**: Brief joke pieces including wordplay ("Anatomic" puns on Anna-Tom-ic when Anna marries Tom) and a logic joke about time calculations. The overall tone reflects early 20th-century American humor: light romantic comedy, gentle mockery of courtship rituals, and paradox-based jokes. The "Speed Queen" story gently satirizes flirtation tactics while respecting athletic competition.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Elsa, the Speed Queen By FRED LADD LSA had speed, control, headwork and curves (Beauts). She fielded her posi- The mere fact that the dear girl was such a Dazzle that the Errors on the other side loomed up large has nothing to do with the European De- vastation. Yet we prom- ise you something if you willlisten, Elsa's exhi- bition games at the Swell Summer Resort were planned like this: she would get engaged to all comers; she would pick the Real Ones, however, for Championship games. Elsa was some grand discriminating little Picker, believe us. When she had thrown a few hundred soul- ful glances into the mirror (while she was getting into her Togs), she was warmed up to the Speed Queen pitch. An Extra in- ning game was like finding a Pearl, to our dear Elsa. This is what happened the Saturday night she Faced Phreddy Tidewater: Two and three. Then she walked him. That is to say, they left the piazza and took to the Beach. The sea waves were rolling in monotonously; the moon was fuller than a goat; the air was perfumed with Summer Incense; the soft music of Elsa’s voice was sweet as the tenderest symphony that ever presaged a Reckless Leap. But Phreddy did not Leap. She had stroked his cheek and allowed him to hold her hand. She had sighed, and her great Eyes had looked into his. She sighed again. She pressed his tion perfectly. Irate member—Yes siree, I'l show him as he really is—a bad egg! His friend—Well, old man, bave a heart. hand. She lost her voice. Her beautiful head lay upon his shoulder as a tired child that is going to sleep. The Moon looked down, The sea rolled in. ‘*Darling,’’ she murmured—‘‘ Yes, I—Oh, I ought not—but, Oh, you Tempt me so—I can't deny you— yes, Dear, you—you may kiss me—M-m— m—DARLING!"" eo 8 © © 8 Three hours and ten minutes later: Stroll- ing, regretfully, toward the Hotel. Her waist is around his arm. (We promised you something.) “It’s so sweet to be engaged !"" said Elsa. “*Engaged?’’ asked Phreddy. **Darling!"" sobbed Elsa. Break it gently ! Phreddy stepped in and lined out this: “Beloved, I should certainly consent to nothing less than an engagement if my wife were not coming to-morrow."" Moral—The Best of them are Knocked out of the Box once in a while. The Other One [™ SORRY that I cannot love The maiden who loves me. She's not considered beautiful, But very learned, see? Ah, she could teach me lots of things A common man should learn. My! if she were the other one, My heart for her would yearn. The other one, ah, sad to say! She loves me not a mite. She is a dream of beauty, but She isn’t very bright. And I could teach her lots of things A pretty maid should learn. No; I can't teach her how to love And madly for me yearn. And so I am the victim of A situation sad: If either were the other one, Yours truly would be glad. —Horace Seymour Keller. Figuring Madge—The old farmer said it was five minutes to the station. Marjoric—Then we'd better hurry up. We've less than half an hour to catch the train. Anatomic When Anna gave her hand to Tom, Friends thought the match was comic; They said the pair might be denom- Inated Anna-Tom-ic. comichooks.