Judge — July 17, 1915 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

only wheel that he buyeth is a perambulator wheel, which a nursemaid pusheth at eight dollars per. And he who seeketh to escape by taking no woman to a 1X ral wife and fathering no children fareth little bet- AM) ttn 2 os i ter. Nay, for the wife of his friend, whom he meeteth upon the street, grippeth his buttonhole; and he breaketh away only by parting with his week's wages, for a foundling asylum or a crippled cat refuge. Were a man as a mint set ina desert, there also would be a woman with a truck, waiting to cart away his coinage. Verily, I say unto you, no Samson groweth hair so rapidly nor in a place so secret that a Delilah lifteth not his locks. Brethren, is it not so? Qualifying Marcella—I was just read- ing in the paper about an amateur actress who is ap- plying for a divorce. Waverly—Which seems to indicate that she is trying to qualify for a position as a professional. What It Will Be Called Teacher in civico—When we have everything in com- mon and your business is everybody’s business, what is it called? Observing student—It is usually called gossip. More Truth than Poetry ‘Tis Cupid's aim to revel In contrasts, be it said; But love makes all things level— Except a fellow’s head! NORTHERN THEATRE ull lili LUTE | hin | The Admirable Kangaroo HE kangaroo I much admire. To fear he is a stranger. He has a pouch in which he crawls and hides in times of danger. And when he finds a crowded street, o’er- flowed with cars and hosses, He grins a gentle smile of peace and in two jumps he crosses, —Tom P. Morgan. Correct! “Carl,’’ said the teacher, ‘‘can you tell me what an inebriate is?’’ “Yes, ma'am,"’ replied Carl. ‘It is an animal that does not have a backbone."" Failure to Qualify “*Are they influential?"* “Hardly. Their automobile is last year’s model.’” NO ROOM FOR ARGUMENT EASTERN THEA —— seers AS ONE WOULD IMAGINE IT TO BE FROM THE HEADLINES Fallacious Fabrications The Slander of the Scarecrow Tro CROWS set out at the break of day to steal their breakfast from a farm. er’s cornfield, but as they neared the place where the planting had recently been done, they espied a man standing in the middle of the field. He wore his hat aslant and was apparently waving his arms to warn them away. “*He may have a gun within reach," said one of the crows, as they veered off and alighted in the top of a dead tree at the edge of the field. “Since I come to observe him more closely,’’ said the other crow, ‘‘I can see that he is the candidate who was makinga speech at the county seat yesterday as I flew over the town. At least, he is making the same gestures."” “In that case,’’ said his companion, ‘‘we will pro- ceed at once to feed our- selves. A candidate cannot afford to offend even a crow, for fear of losing a vote.” Running for office fills some men so full of coward- ice that it really makes them pot-bellied. Richard 8, Graves, Willing to Oblige The class secretary, being a‘‘live wire’’ and noticing that favorable responses for the alumni reunion were coming in slowly, told his stenographer to send this telegram to all the delin- quents: ‘‘Everybody must come and bring wife."” Within an hour he re ceived this reply from a bachelor classmate: ‘*Sure thing! Any preference as to whose wife I bring?’’