Judge, 1915-06-05 · page 6 of 28
Judge — June 5, 1915 — page 6: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains several short humorous pieces typical of early 20th-century American satire: **"In Boston"** depicts a husband recounting a subway shopping disaster—groceries spilled down stairs, causing chaos. The humor relies on the contrast between his attempt to save money and the resulting expenses (cleaning bills, threatened lawsuits, his injured dignity). **"The Way of the World"** satirizes marriage economics: a young man couldn't afford to marry; now older and wealthier, he has "other uses" for his money—poking fun at how priorities shift with age and marriage's financial demands. **"A Relic on Memorial Day"** ironically portrays Felicia obsessively grooming year-round, treating every day like Decoration Day (Memorial Day), desperately seeking a husband rather than honoring the holiday's solemn purpose. The remaining pieces ("Decidedly So," "Work for Mother," "Suspicious") are brief romantic/domestic jokes about golf, household chores, and marital affection—standard period humor about courtship and married life. The tone throughout is gently mocking of ordinary American domesticity and gender relations.
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Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
IN BOSTON “T'll bid you good night, Miss Frost. I've had an ice time."” three steps, and a man racing down the stairs stepped on it and slipped, and he threatened to sue me for dam- ages! You will find the print of a woman's boot heel on that pound of butter, and I left the dozen eggs I had bought on the subway stairs, for I would have needed a shovel to have scraped them up after they had rolled down six iron steps! One of the grapefruit rolled between the feet of an old lady going down the stairs, and she gave a yell like a maniac and called for the police! A grinning idiot caught up one of the grapefruit and flung it up toward me, and two other men pelted me with the apples!"" “Oh, Henry!"" “The bottle of maple syrup spread over six of the steps, and the people carried it home on the soles of their shoes; and the paper came off the soup bone I had bought, and I left it lying at the foot of the subway stairs. All is, this is the very last time you ever hear of me saving fifteen cents in that wa! My lacerated feelings are worth at least a quarter, and’’—— “Oh, Henry!"" “Tleft half of my stuff in the subway, and the other half will taste bitter to me when I think of that gaping, grinning, giggling, tittering mob that saw me standing there with my empty and open suitcase in my hand and all that stuff traveling down the subway stairs! “Why, Henry !"" The Way of the World Old Singleton—When I was a young man, I felt that I didn’t have enough money to get married. Flubdub—But have enough now. Old Singleton—Yes; but now I have other uses for it. Decidedly So Madge—l\s golf a dangerous game? Marjorio—Well, 1 know a lot of girls who first met the men they married on the links. you surely Perera nee a A Relic on Memorial Day EFORE the mirror hours and hours Felicia molds her face; With scented soap she scours and scours, To leave no grimy trace. Where paint belongs, the paint's applied; Flesh powder hides the tan— Felicia fain would be a bride And captivate some man. She does not celebrate nor stir, Though other folks are gay; Each day in all the year for her Is Decoration Day. —A. Burstein, Work for Mother “*What's on the carpet to-day, my dear?” asked Mr. Wombat, who is flowery of speech. “*More mud that Johnny has tracked in, I s'pose,"* responded literal Mrs. Wombat. Suspicious Bridegroom (on railway train) — What makes you think I don’t love you any more? Bride (pouting )}—When we passed through the tunnel, you never kissed me. ag” §) Peggy—Why do you think I have loved before ? Tom—Well, you keep right on talking and chewing gum while I'm kissing you.