Judge — March 13, 1915 — page 17: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

From a Sinner’s Diary KNOW a woman who wants to be it without the simple thing of really being it. If you hear a woman say she hates housework and another answers she doesn’t, you're just as safe to take the one that hates. It may be the hates it because she does it, and the other fikes it because she shirks. | know a boy who went Halloweening and got a bulldog fast in the aalf of his leg. Do you hate to die? always had to live. | . [wouldn't want a 300-pound hired man—a good, solid 100 of use- Jess ballast for a team to tote around, I wish I knew any one else had as much fun with me asI do, I was just picking up walnuts for little sister to shuck, and an old hard pear lying there looking exactly like a green walnut motioned to me to be put in. Whenever I think of little sister clinching that pear to shuck, I'm tickleder than if ninety-nine sinners had come into the fold. It does not matter which end of the keyboard you sit, treble or bass, if the right one is the other in the duet. Then everything wears a halo —each cow track and sand burr and lily leaf. I've crossed bats with a funny woman lately. One day she has boxes of candy come to me by parcel post, the next she wants to mop the earth with me. I eat the candy and regret exceedingly that I am rot at liberty to invite her to undertake the other. Science is not the proper spray for what infests humorists. A neighbor has a baby, and in the newspaper office it got mixed and was laid where brother's new piano should stand, But it wasn’t mixed as bad as brother when the congratulations began coming in! Sometimes it's a wonderment to me that I'm not a bigger idiot than Iam. So many jobs are always clamoring for me that absolutely I don't have time to watch the circus go by, even. If I'm working by hand, I go across the meadow and jump the ditch. If by team, I can go grandly out past the walnut tree, around the road and in by the graveyard. Quick and Quit would be good names for twins. I know a Christian Science thumb that reverts to the primitive way of the thumbs before it when it really gets hurt. Last night I played for adance. I wore my Duroc-colored hucka- back accentuated with red and white cobs criss-crossed on a background ~ of oak corner posts, and carried a bouquet of Denver and Rio Grande folders. Real tame. No fights. Another in two weeks. Whosoever will may come. Adoctor is obliged to poke into several things besides pleasant smiles on clean faces. Every once in a while. Not to speak of the middle-aged monuments above the ones they never had pay for borning. I know one of those kind of fellows that wear old red mittens, and when his hands get cold, he pulls his thumbs out and stands around, holding them curled up in his hands, letting his mitten thumbs hang dangling. One of the kind that if you sent him with a load of gravel to fill up a hole, he’d dump it around on the edge, making the hole bigger. Yesterday I went fishing, and my neighbor got run away with and plowed under and some of his ribs broken. Which shows it’s safer to fish than to plow. —Lynette Freemire.~ You'd make as big a fuss if you thought you Getting Down to Cases “It is with a feeling of unalloyed anguish, bordering on despond- ency,’’ announced Jasper Knox, the sage of Piketown-on-the-Blink, “that Iam compelled to vociferate that my worldly observations lead me to believe that the main reason why so many matrimonial ventures are wrecked upon the rocks of the river of doubt, lies not, as many would have us believe, in the fact that the name style is given to freak garments to induce the young wife to wear them, but in the more modern and imported excuse that both parties to the marital contract we prone to look upon their marriage certificate as a ‘mere scrap of Paper.’ ** His Clutch “How did he accumulate his fortune?" “Every dollar that came his way had a handle on it."” Cash 500 * For Motion Picture Plots New Ideas By New Writers Wanted Previous Experience or Special Education Not Necessary YOUR chance to win a big cash payment is as good as anybody’s. 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